11:11 (part 11)

It was a weekend of firsts, camping out in the Mojave Desert with a 24-hour music festival. While he may have thought that he would be my guide, the universe had different plans. In an explosive moment, we both ended up crying for different reasons that had triggered us. 

While I do not feel as if I had hallucinations, I did lose sight of my space-time continuum whereby certain events seemed longer than reality and vice versa. As I laid staring at the open sky in the desert, I wondered if my journey will always be alone despite the best intentions of planning a trip sitter. It did not scare me in so much as I was resigned to my fate.

In retrieving the things I left behind, we crossed paths again, and it triggered hurt that I hadn't truly felt up to that point. Despite my attempts otherwise to release him from any obligations, he chose to stay. We finally went back to a story that he never fully relayed about unresolved things with his best friend. After working through it with a therapeutic cry, the universe gifted us with his best friend showing up with his girl to check in on us...the gesture, in and of itself, was the resolution they both needed.

Lo and behold, as we were all laying in the tent with our own cuddle party full of love with the deep beats of techno, it dawned on me that the best friend had found my LED-lit tutu which I had lost during my solo journey, and he had randomly found, not knowing it was mine. Yes, I still believe in magic and unexpected outcomes.

* * * * *

Update October 26, 2018:

I witnessed both 11:11 earlier, which made me smile. In processing the trigger from the weekend, I am left wondering what and why I am manifesting the relationship(s) before me. Then I happened upon:

"It's a long shot, but every so often sweet talk proves to be sincere. Just when you finally accept a hard truth, you might be presented with evidence that shows you something you thought too good to be true is very much real. However, all aspects of your life won't immediately fall into place. But this glimmer of magic demonstrates there's still a place in your world for faith, hope, and love. Manifestation is built on belief."

~ Yahoo, Virgo

Perhaps it may be the belief that I am a step closer, rather than a step backwards of feeling as if I am here to help others (stone skipping (part 12) and supernova) rather than myself.

"I just want to thank you again for everything this weekend. It changed my life, and you were an instrumental part of that process for me. I know you don't want me to say things I don't mean, but I love you, Trang. You're an amazing woman, and I'm so incredibly thankful for you and your contribution to my personal growth this weekend. Thank you again for coming. Those memories will last forever :)"

supernova

When stone skipping collides with moments that matter, it is as if the heart experiences a supernova. Something in the crisp night air woke me, and what initially started as absolution and when it rains, it pours seems to have had its own full circle.

Hurt, anger, disappointment...never showed up when that door opened, just two souls connecting with gratitude and sharing our growth in how we both impacted the other. It serves as a reminder that in living love, if you wait ... magic happens.

stepping out

Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay. Some of my favorite YouTube channels are School of Life, Ted Talks and Druglabs, as well as documentaries. It probably was not coincidental that this video, "The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown," popped up on my feed today.

When someone states 'showing up and being present' as part of their intentions (full circle (part 9)), one would think it should be a general default in life. However, in the world of technology, passive aggressiveness, flakiness, etc., the actual declaration as an intention is very powerful and valuable to someone's whose love language is Quality Time.

An experience last night made me realize that while many say 'no expectations', most do not really mean it, and have expectations to the contrary. I initially chuckled when one of the men from pig in mud (part 5) stated 'open to physical connection with no attachment to any particular outcome' as one of his intentions. The sincerity and vulnerability of stating that upfront, as well as other consistent gestures, has made me realize now that it truly came from a place of genuineness and authenticity.

Sulking and attaching guilt or shame comes from a negative space that is wishing someone some form of comeuppance, and truly not being grateful for the moment(s) and shared experience(s). It is also not from a place of vulnerability or honesty. In my quest to build my tribe, I realize the importance of not giving someone squatter's rights in tainting the beauty of moments for me.

In honor of #WorldMentalHealthDay and in the spirits of Christine Blasey Ford and Brené Brown, I chose to be exposed and vulnerable to a community that I know are not all as supportive and non-judgmental as I would wish my tribe to be. However, in sharing code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) on Facebook, perhaps it can pivot one person's life towards the light of joy.

reclaiming the cunt (part 9)

"Powerful men do not harass. Powerful men seduce. It's insecure men who harass and assault, who use their power to extract sex. Let's not mix the metaphors." 

~ Esther Perel

With the country being torn apart, a woman, who felt as if she needed to do her civic duty, has inspired many to speak about their own personal experiences of harassment, assault and rape for  the first time to loved ones. #BelieveSurvivors and other renditions of the hashtag has been added to the #MeToo movement. While it would seem as if we have lost this battle, the war is not over, and hopefully parents will raise their sons to understand 'enthusiastic consent'.

Since missing in action, the concept of the 'bad boy' or the rebel, for me, seems to be a 'mix of the metaphors' for many. Lack of self-confidence is a deal breaker for me. Someone asked me earlier this year if I date a lot of 'assholes' when I state that. Many confuse 'cocky' for confidence, and like 'powerful', the negative connotation comes from insecurities. The age-old myth that women are attracted to 'married or taken men' (who tend to not come off too strongly as they have someone to 'come home to') or to 'assholes' stems from their inability to distinguish 'confidence' as self-confidence vs. cocky.

Like truly powerful men who seduce, confident men also do not feel the need to brag or prove themselves as they are comfortable in their own skins and in their authenticity, know that they would only want to be with people who value them for who they are. With the rise and unification of our voices (emptying my coffers and pussy riots), fortunately women are joined by the deep baritone to tenor pitches of these confident and powerful men. A few of them (full circle (part 9) and pig in mud (part 5)) have blessed me by being part of my tribe.

stone skipping (part 12)

I originally signed up on Reddit a few years ago when the man I was dating was constantly on the site, and I wanted to understand what the hype was. I still did not grasp it and left my account dormant. However, I resurrected it a few months ago as my friend got a software engineering position there, and I really wanted to understand the projects that she was working on as well as the Reddit lingo that she was using.

For a couple of months, I would catch myself spending hours on it daily. Something about an anonymous forum where people can dispense opinions and advice seemed captivating. I learned some interesting things on Reddit but it became a complete time suck. I did find myself gravitating towards sex positive and/or dating advice forums.

While relationships of any fashion are complicated, the games, assumptions and expectations that people come in with yet seem incapable of active communication seem to just add fuel to the fire. In its pureness, pig in mud (part 5) is also working through old templates as well. Perhaps it was from the place of my own journey and understanding the importance of having even just one person believe in you and see you for the person you cannot see yourself (moments that matter (part 3)) or from the butterfly effect of a random stranger's gesture in hug it out that I focused my comments on the importance of confidence. Sometimes, I would have people reach out to me on their own issues, seeking advice, after seeing some random post I made.

My friend and I went to see the latest remake of A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. We were both supposed to catch up on each other's lives over the last year but found ourselves lost in our own deep thoughts that were triggered from what we saw onscreen. It left me with an overall melancholy which I am processing. While Cooper's character (Jackson) gave Gaga's character (Alli) the love and confidence to propel her to greatness, it was also at the expense of himself and his own self-care.

I have not been on Reddit for a few months as I realized that it was an escape and disconnected me from the world of engaging with live people. Although I may be a natural introvert, my love languages of quality time and physical touch left me wanting. There are moments where Redditors will show gratitude to the immediate advice, but it is rare for someone to provide updates weeks or months later, especially how a few simple words may have made a lasting impact.

Shortly before I had signed off, I had received the following from someone who struggled with matching with someone whom she believed was her type. From my exploration to learn more about myself, I shared my learnings from face of the girl (part 1). 

"YOU!! I OWE YOU A HUGE THANK YOU!

You were right. I needed to change up what I was looking for. I had been too complacent and not focusing on finding guys that portrayed the qualities I was looking for in their pics. A week after I found a guy. He was swimming with sharks in his profile and I wouldn't have normally swiped because he only had one face shot. Turns out he's just as unphotogenic as I am. Now three weeks later I'm in a relationship with him and couldn't be happier. He can even keep up in bed it's amazing.

<3 BEST INTERNET ADVICE EVER! THANK YOU!!

/u/hardtopleeze, Reddit

In the same vein, this morning I woke up to a post on a thread that I have no recollection of whatever advice I may have provided. Yet it was kind of him months later to find the specific post and related comment thread to provide his update. Judging from his comments, it may have been in regards to being yourself and naturally you will find the person who will love you for your authentic self.

Apologies for not getting back sooner. 

I took your advice and asked her in a second date which went really well with only a slight awkward bump at the end (she was tipsy and misheard something I said). 

We went for date number 3 a week later and it was a complete sh1tshow - on exactly zero of the dates could I relax and be myself and I don’t blame her at all for saying at the end of #3 that she wasn’t interested. 

Weight came off my shoulders immediately - I texted her later that evening to thank her for giving us a chance and apologised for the guy she’d met which want the normal me. 

She was flattered at a couple of the comments I left with those parting remarks and I’m happy that it was left amicably. 

I beat myself up completely for a few weeks - friends commented that it wasn’t all my fault etc. but I still firmly believe that it was. 

I resigned myself to not dating for a while. 

Bizarrely at one of the lower points (and while a little too drunk) I signed up for a dating site and when I sobered up had a few matches and went on a couple of dates with varying degrees of success but nothing long term. 

Even more bizarrely I matched with the profile that I can only describe as being the most amazing person (on paper). 

Went for a sober dinner date thinking zero would happen and just happy to be not sitting home - had zero expectations so was just myself. Didn’t even try to kiss her goodnight. 

We texted when both home and I said I’d love a second date - and she agreed for some reason! 

Date #2 went even better - both sober as driving 

She would be very pushy normally professionally and socially but, at short notice, we had date #3 during this week at a local cultural event I was invited to (her sober but I had a couple). 

We’ve arranged to meet up again tomorrow and I can’t wait - I’ve been nothing but myself an I can’t explain for a second why she’s interested in me. 

When I say she’s out of my league there’s no false modesty at all - I’ve separately showed two friends (1 male, 1 female) who asked about her a picture of her that she sent while out with her friends and they independently agreed that she’s stunning and that the pic could have been from a photo shoot. She’s also a little younger than I’d normally date (late 20’s) which could be an issue for her long term but I’ve been open about my own age and doesn’t seem to bother her (yet) 

More importantly to me though - she is absolutely hilarious! I mean I have actually laughed out loud at some of her texts/comments - ascerbic and sarcastic but as intelligent in those as she is in the rest of her life. 

I’ve no idea if date #4 will turn into 5 or 6 or beyond but I’m not over thinking it at all and just enjoying spending time with an incredible person. 

It’s weird to look back on my original post now and see how rattled I was about wanting to date that other lady and how many knots I was tying myself in 

Thank you for your advice then though - it definitely helped me to take a step forward then and even though that relationship didn’t work out the advice has stayed with me through to know and the current relationship that I’m enjoying so much. :)"

/u/throughway2, Reddit

We are somehow all connected, and in the end, we will be able to see the entire matrix. Jackson took care of Alli, but who took care of him? In one scene, she noted that she only wanted his happiness, and alluded to even if that is without her. While not all situations end in happy endings, I would like to think that we are all richer by each connection, even if that is to trigger more growth than we would have had otherwise (supernova). 

thelma & louise (part 3)

The annual Folsom Street Fair was over the weekend. I joined the hosts of YUMmy and their crew with the intention of stepping out of my introverted self in order to build my tribe. In separate discussions with a few new acquaintances, and hopefully budding friendships, it was wonderful to see how generally supportive the women were to making the world a much more positive experience for other women.

Although they did not initially know each other like the other thelma & louise series, I met two authentically fabulous women. Both have not only made the best of their past situations but also have followed their bliss in living out their passions. Pixie has made an entire hobby/career of living on the edge, not knowing what is in store each day, for the last 4.5 years, and trusting the universe to provide for her adventures. She truly hypostatizes carpe diem when she resolutely walked up to volunteer for a flogging demonstration in public at the fair. It was only later that I found out that she has never been flogged. One day I hope she writes a book of all her moments of happiness.

Krystle serves as a reminder to me that sometimes we fall into things that turn out to bring us joy. She pursued that joy to complete her various certifications in yoga and paddle board yoga. Both have managed and/or are creating ventures in order to finance their international travels as well. In their lessons to me, I am reminded of my plan in the girl with the dragon tattoo. They provided me a quick kick in the arse that while the universe has held me here to explore and discover my tribe, I should continue to follow my compass towards grey hat. Full of such vivacious energy for life, they both embody such courage, love and inspiration.