full circle (part 6)

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flash of light

Today was filled with highs and lows. Learning to sit in my feelings turned out to be an interesting test today. What I had thought would be a spontaneous, casual and quick dinner last Friday has manifested into something akin to the recent turmoils with Uber and the Google manifest. It has been a true test, having me struggle between being supportive, being vulnerable and sharing my stories, hoping that it would empower other ladies and feeling guilty for not formally reporting my situations earlier, not keeping my eye out while I disengaged in my own personal growth, coupled with sensitivities as to the perception that any of this is my agenda.

It was very hard to listen to their individual experiences, and in a surreal way, it mirrored what was going on with our nation. The perception of progress was a mask that we all put on. Discrimination has adapted in the modern world - survival of the fittest so to speak. It's subtleties and being taught to "toughen up" has almost allowed us all to enable the supremacists and misogynists to rise to the point that in a herd mentality, they no longer feel the need to be ashamed or hide behind masks, as is the situation with the men in Silicon Valley and software engineers all over the world. When one of our young protégées told her story from two years ago when she was bright eyed and bushy tail from college, it broke my heart. She is as tough and smart as they come. I have never seen her so vulnerable and hearing her say that she regretted not saying anything earlier as it is clear from her emotional discourse that it still effected her to this day.

It was with a heavy heart when I had my final technical interview for my pairing coding challenge. Part of letting go and trusting the universe entails also being receptive to whatever comes. Perhaps my curiosity from an earlier interview asking about pseudocode for the game of tic tac toe, which resulted in my coding a program of the game, tipped me over. A friend had just asked how it went and when I would hear, which I had thought would be another week or two, by the time I come back from my vacation. I was surprised to see on my way home that I had been accepted into the program.

As the saying goes, one door opens while another door closes. I would like to think that I had set the stage for these ladies by informally putting leadership on notice of the various discriminations that I had witnessed at the senior level. But the bravery of these ladies who are speaking up at the junior levels has me wondering if I had been as brave when I was that level, if their lives and others would have been better for the butterfly effect from the ripples that could have started over a decade before. I may not be able to change the past, but they have empowered me to make a mark in the future.

age of innocence

As history was being written with POTUS and Charlottesville, it seemed an easy choice to go camping with some stinky boys. Farting and eating boogers were definitely on the agenda. 😏 For some reason, I have always gotten Yosemite and Yellowstone mixed up. El Capitan and Old Faithful were interchangeable, but both were on my bucket list.

The granite monoliths, lakes, whitewater rapids, giant sequoias, waterfalls, wildlife, crystal clear waters, clear skies filled with thousands of stars and artistic cloud formations, rainbows, and nature trails were absolutely AMAZEBALLS. 

To top it off, this girl got the pleasure of playful travel companions. In a world of hatred and fear with a divided country, seeing the world through the eyes of children is pure simplicity. Over the years, my time with my nephews have mostly been limited to holidays. I have had the most exposure to the oldest when I was working in the energy industry, which resulted in a number of business trips home while my parents were babysitting him. Coincidental or full circle, he became my hiking companion the entire time, entertaining me with his childhood stories.

The youngest has always been an trendsetter. It is a bit of a shame as he gets older that the teasing of his brothers, primarily the middle one, a spitfire with boundless energy, has him refraining from embracing his true spirit. Hopefully, he grows out of caring what others think. For a five year old, I am convinced he is some sort of savant. His ability to apply logic and observe minutia in his surroundings were comical and oftentimes left me speechless.

In the end, he was our protector. His parents had noted that he was weening off of bed wetting; however, for some reason, he started again while on vacation. Of course, I teased him and told him that bears would be attracted to urine so he'd be the sacrificial lamb for us overnight. The next morning when being asked if he wetted his diaper, he initially said that he was not sure, but within seconds noted that he could not have since no bears came. Not once did he wet himself while we were in Yosemite. Of course, as soon as we got back to San Francisco, all bets were off. When I asked him why he stank up my place, he smirked and simply replied that there are no bears in San Francisco. It could have also been his boogers that taste like lemons, so he claims, that warded off the bears.

expansion

My life has not necessarily been easy; however, it has been blessed...from family to friends to lovers to career. In the end, every hurdle, challenge, moment, laughter, and love have shaped who I am and my journey to aligning my physical self with my spiritual self.

I learned in my 20s that I had to forgive in order to not be burden by the past. It was mostly because they were such heavy weights on my shoulders and kept dragging me back to darkness. It is only now that I recognize that forgiveness is not just about forgiving and forgetting. Freeing myself to possibilities and being self aware of my surroundings and past have me realizing that there are no coincidences in life.

That does not mean that I fully believe in fate any more than I believe in free will. Actually, like my view on evolution and creationism, the concepts are not mutually exclusive (22). We have the free will to ask for anything we wish. It is our thoughts, feelings and actions though that manifests the outcome, and in that way, nothing is coincidental.

Letting go is not just about giving up the hope that the past could have been different. True forgiveness is being grateful for the person coming into your life and giving you that experience (in a way, this lines up with The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children's Parable in to err is human, to forgive, divine). Every hurt, frustration, disappointment, and sadness was an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and my boundaries (full circle (part 2), face of the girl (part 1), and face of the girl (part 5)). Sometimes I am a slow learner so had to experience certain things a few times. 😔

Learning about what I did not want helped me learn what I did want (full circle (part 2)). Similarly, nothing new can come unless you give up something old. While gratitude helped me to let go, nothing new could come into my life without the feeling of gratitude of the past. I signed up again to OKCupid tonight, as a symbol of not being afraid of being hurt, trusting myself to love myself and opening myself to receiving whatever the universe puts in my path. I am still yearning to learn, and new experiences are the steps to closing the gap to my spiritual self.

boom of the 'shrooms

a woman's kimono permanently burnt into her body

Today marks the 72nd anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima. In 2012 while I was visiting Japan, we had decided spontaneously to make a day trip to Hiroshima on July 1. The museum documenting one of the most disastrous civilian repercussions of wartime is the most impactful one I have visited. I have only learned about the event through the eyes of the American history books, and had not known that Project Manhattan had originally targeted Germany, but with the timing of Germany's surrender, the U.S. leaders made a decision to use the bombs that they had been developing on an alternative target.

There are different perspectives as to whether the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were even necessary for Japan's surrender. Despite its location, the museum did a wonderful effort in its attempts to portray the events as objective as possible. There were stories of the few individuals who were unfortunate to be at both Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the wrong times. The monument serves as a reminder of the outcomes of evil and the sacrifices for peace. 

Many cultures and/or ethnic or religious groups would normally use events such as this or the American internment camps for Japanese Americans as foundations for continued hatred, bitterness and evil; however, there is something special about the Japanese that results in a lot of order and collective society throughout its country (similar to the Incas in rock 'n roll), the high number of centenarians, and the low birth rate (face of the girl (part 4)). I had heard anecdotes of kindness from many who had lived and visited there, including drunk people passed out on the streets waking up to see their belongings in tact and lined up out of the way of being stomped on by unobservant walkers.

Yesterday the United Nations Security Council unanimously passed the strictest sanctions against any country as retaliation for North Korea's nuclear program and ballistic missiles tests, ultimately squeezing a third of its exports earnings, investments and overseas workers. Between mounting tensions with ISIS, hot-tempered POTUS, narcissistic dictator and aeons of history, one can hope that we have all learned from the decisions made from our past and evolve to not repeat the same mistakes on our road to enlightenment.

* * * * *

Sadako Sasaki was only 2 years-old when she was exposed to radiation from the bombing of Hiroshima. She spent most of her young life in and out hospitals, battling leukemia. When she was 12, she embarked on a journey to make a thousand cranes.

Stemming from an ancient Japanese legend, it is thought that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes would be granted a wish from the gods. Some believe that one would further have eternal good luck, happiness and long life or health. Cranes, like dragons, are mythical creatures that live for a thousand years.

It is rumored that Sadako did not complete her mission before her death on October 25, 1955; however, classmates contributed their own cranes to eventually complete her goal. According to her family and classmates though, she did complete her goal (plus some) on her own before her death. Unfortunately, her wish to live was not granted. The museum still houses these cranes along with a statue of her holding a crane in the Hiroshima Peace Park, serving as reminder of peace, hope and love. Perhaps her wish was for all of us to live and make the most of 'now'.