stone skipping (part 11)

One of my aha's from my time in Vietnam is how I enjoy mentoring others, specifically women or minorities who have the additional challenge of trying to level their playing field and where mentors are easily accessible. This inspired the stone skipping series. Somehow though, without necessarily putting it out to the universe, I have observed an influx of others connecting me with random people that they believe I could somehow share my experiences or insights.

While I did not advertise my departure (silver fox), some have noticed it on LinkedIn. A month ago, a woman whom I had some interaction during one of the women's development programs I facilitated a few years ago, contacted me as she wanted to better understand my career pivot. She was at a crossroads. Her husband and she live separate lives due to work (he in Arizona, she in California). Her leader was grooming her to be his replacement when he retires in 6 years. Yet she was getting bored, and despite her efforts to expand her role, kept running into 'deaf ears'. Morale has caused some significant turnover in her group. All of that intermixed with some personal matters like starting a family.

She reached out to me this week as she was in town. She wanted to let me know that based on our last discussion about my pivot and challenging her to think 'big' and with a 'clean slate' rather than the immediate paths that we 'pigeon hole' ourselves into as what we would be qualified for given our current experience, she had an 'aha' moment while trying to plan a social event. As she was relaying how she got to her decision, her face transformed and by the end, she had this beautiful smile, and glow to her face. While her husband is supportive, it is an entire pivot, and she even retorted that good thing she has her own money to invest any way she wants - the financial independence that allows us to find our happiness.

It was not just a fleeting thought as she had started to research (and contact) suppliers as well as federal and state laws to start her eco-friendly venture. She also noted how liberating it felt to finally know what she wants to do in life. Watching her made me tear up with happiness. I have always admired people who have the courage to find and follow their passions (stone skipping (part 1)). Her quiet excitement as contagious.

Later that evening, I met another friend (surprising inspiration) who is finally seeing her long-time dream of being a New Yorker become reality. It was her last meal in San Francisco so we chose a 10-course chef's tasting menu at Octavia. She's a foodie and it was her 30th Michelin star restaurant. During dinner, she was relaying stories about two coworkers that she felt 'weird' being mentor for women older than her. She kept saying she had to 'channel me' while doing so. I assume it has to do with how to communicate in a way that others would be more receptive, and some of the things I have told her in the past to help her through some of her challenges. Either way, it was great to see her paying it forward and making her own ripples.

fool's gold

In this day of 'fake news', April Fool's Day seems to be watered down in its frivolity. Truth is no longer truth but what the mass wants to believe in order to continue to live in their own alternate reality.

A month ago, I started on a journey that was based on a lie. Perhaps due to my gut or even the male spirit that never left (bubble of bliss), I followed my intuition that seemed to lean towards following this journey, perhaps either to change an existing template or to re-emphasize some learnings. The 'lie' was exposed in time for me to be able to properly consent, and for that, I am grateful as I have learned that starting something based on a lie has a way of tainting all great memories with a veil of negativity.

Prior to that, things had occurred that made me think I had not fully worked out all my 'inner child' matters, mostly based on the type of people that were coming in and out of my life. They seemed repetitive to old templates rather than new. Luckily, they left almost as quickly as they came in, which is indicative of some progress in the ability to remove toxicity. Based on the Law of Attraction, it was signaling to me that I am still attracting certain behaviors that mirrored mine, subconsciously or not. Yet I still could not put my finger on what that was.

In the last 48 hours, I found myself in a situation that seem too familiar. While I embraced my feelings and struggled with my 'old nature' vs 'inside voice' of how to react, I found myself watching me repeat patterns, although the 'stubborn' side of me had a solution that did not seem any more productive so I ignored her as well. My body seemed to be manifesting the mental struggle physically with a pounding headache that lasted through the night and body sweats overnight, seems a bit late in the season for flu-like symptoms.

In my sweat induced dreams, I had fleeting thoughts that seemed to find some clarity as the cobwebs burned throughout the sunlight of the day. I have always said that I don't like to be chased, in that I believe that when people are mutually attracted to each other, the effort should be mutual and on both sides, if we were to value both of ourselves rather than viewing the other as 'out of our league', thus one is expected to pursue the one 'out of his/her league'. It has always seemed silly to me. Nobody should even view themselves in some leagues of inequality. People are people with value in all its purity.

As April Fool's approaches, my moment of clarity is recognizing my past propensity to believe in my 'fake news' that allowed me to live in my alternate reality in some 'injured party' way rather than creating the opportunity to communicate beyond my/our assumptions and learn whether both parties are making efforts that are defined in our own way, rather than under someone's preconceived templates of 'effort'. For that I am sorry to my 'inner child' and to others whom I quickly walked away or built walls in self defense of protecting the 'loving, vulnerable self' of me. While she showed up last weekend (wait...magic happens), I realized the next day that 'she' is the best part of me and I miss seeing her more. I remember stating that night that 'she' doesn't come out much so appreciate her while she is there. Upon reflection, I was surprised as I had never consciously recognized that I had tucked her away in such a way.

In my quest to live in unconditional love (the soul takes flight), my truth is that 'she' shouldn't be someone I take out once in a while only when she feels that she is in a safe, 100% trusting environment but rather every day as I have to trust that she also knows how to live in love and light and is the only way I learn to live in unconditional love by allowing her to color the way I see the truth of goodness in life rather than the 'fake news' of the alternate reality. I am to love regardless of the actions of the other party (similar to full circle (part 3)). I know that if we no longer mirror each other, the relationship will reflect that. Keeping score, even under the guise of protecting oneself and ensuring one is appreciated, is fraught with conditions that I never want, even as an unintended consequence. It would also seem as I am writing this, my pounding headache has completely dissipated.

wait ... magic happens

a life of leisure

Although there are people who constantly have the need to be on the 'go' like an ex-roommate/friend (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) and always feel that they were wasting time if their entire weekend was not completely booked, I have always enjoyed days with blank slates...no appointments, no plans, no hurry. Since college, lazy Sundays, while rare when I was younger, rejuvenated my soul. I read. I nap. I explore neighborhoods while soaking in vitamin D. One of my favorite pastimes though is meeting random people and/or entertaining ourselves with cerebral discussions (to err is human, to forgive, divine).

As I stopped by a local stomping ground for a late lunch today with book in tow for a bowl of chicken pho. The bartender/waiter that tends the counter noticed the book that I was reading by Haruki Murakami. I am regular enough that the waiters that cover the bar/counter usually know at least my drink of choice from their brunch menu - boba tea. So as we were discussing Murakami, one of the other waiters prepared boba tea without me ordering, and as he placed it in front of me, we shared a knowing smile. 

Murakami was first recommended to me years ago, and during some promotion, I found myself purchasing three of his books. Over the years, I read two of them but had difficulties appreciating his themes of surrealism and fantasy. The woman from (wo)man in the mirror gifted me with Murakami's Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, one of her favorites, with the following note:

Please enjoy this dual narrative - a mirror of disparate lines, connected by theme & moment. I think it's an apt gift for the synchronicity of what we're all developing currently.

This turns out to be the first Murakami book that the bartender read. While we were chatting, I shared with him that it turns out to be one of the more enjoyable ones, and he noted that it is probably the easiest one to transition into Murakami themes of 'alienation and loneliness'. It turns out that Japanese literature usually focuses on the family so Murakami explored the independence where "a man values freedom and solitude over intimacy". The main character usually travels some parallel universe to explore some individual darkness. Perhaps given my on introspection last year, like Jung ((wo)man in the mirror), I finally have an appreciation of Murakami's works.

His favorite Murakami book is Dance Dance Dance, which was the first one I read since it was the one that was highly recommended to me. It was also Murakami's favorite book to write. As the bartender was quoting parts of the book and the various themes from the story, it occurred to me that I entirely miss some of the salient points. Perhaps from a different lens, a story turns out to be entirely different than how we experienced it at the time or a form of argument to moderation...then again, perhaps that is unjustly simplifying Murakami's genius. 

stone skipping (part 10)

It would seem that despite my initial disappointment (11:11 (part 8)), and with the foresight of my attorney friend who insisted that I put in writing 'sexual harassment,' 'discrimination,' 'retaliation,' 'hostile work environment,' and the length of time since I initially spoke up in my resignation letter to the chairman of the board, they have started to take the investigation seriously and have spoken to at least two of the witnesses, as the ladies have reached out to me in confusion given the evasiveness of those investigating.

One seem to have had physical and emotional reaction after her meeting with the investigators. For the entire afternoon she was numb, wondering what she could have done differently, especially after she noticed my 'out of office' I have retired message on Skype. One of the married men (kissing my boo-boos) had cornered her in the coffee room to ask her about my personal life soon after the incident, as well as on a few other occasions. At the time, she had asked me how well I knew him as she thought it was odd but I did not disclose to her that he had trapped me in a hotel room.

We never discussed it again and as they questioned her, it dawned on her what occurred. In hindsight, she realized that she had seen all the signs based on my body language including shaking hands, but pushed it out of her mind. She was so shaken that she spoke to her partner the next day to take some time off starting this week, and reached out to me to meet for lunch today. For a week she could not shake the guilt. When she met another mutual friend yesterday, they discussed what occurred. The mutual friend asked her a simple question, and as she relayed it, her arms went numb for most of the car ride when she realized that it triggered a sexual assault that she had buried so deep since the age of 16.

She is still processing it but she feels as if she is being called to work for a not-for-profit or somehow get involved in helping women who have encountered sexual assaults/harassments. She was troubled that it took them so long to talk to her. I suggested that we not spend negative energy to get mad about that and can only do our part in doing the right thing (silver fox). As I told her, even if it helps change one life, even if it makes a small ripple, regardless of whether the firm holistically changes the culture and tone at the top, it would have been worth finding my voice and speaking up. She seems to be focusing on finding happiness herself, and I shared my journey in the last few months and my catharsis from unpacking it all. Hopefully, it was enough 'food for thought' for her as she heads to Hawaii to start unpacking hers.