core values

Some time during my 20s, Bambi presented herself in my life. Bambi is a strong, confident woman who had a great command of her body. With all her melodious moves, it was natural that she also worked as a stripper and seemed an expert in the arts of carnal knowledge. She is friendly and flirtatious as she flitted around the NYC nightlife, and somehow naturally had an

energy that resulted in many gravitating and orbiting around her.

While I have given a few lap dances, including one to a stripper while out with the boys once in Las Vegas, it was always a bucket list item to learn pole dancing. Similar to my delay on being an expat with the thought of doing it with someone, it seems a bit of a challenge to get others to be open to learning such a skill, even under the guise of working out.

I finally decided that I am no longer waiting for others and decided to sign up for a membership to learn aerial silks, lyra and pole dancing. My first class today was aerial silks, somehow I foolishly thought this would be the easier of the three. However, for all three, it is critical to have a lot of body strength, especially one's core. I was never able to do sit-ups as a kid, but now I have homework to work on not only that but also push-ups, headstands and flipping me body/legs over my head. 

My arms and legs are sore, and I was out of breath during many of the routines. Guess I now have to do pilates or yoga in addition to these classes just to build up my core. Although it was a beginner class, I felt better after some assured me that it will take me time, as some have been taking the beginner course since May or in the past and/or had gymnastics background, and was just able to complete some of the foundational skills.

It has been a very long time since I have taken Bambi out. I look forward to integrating her with my inner child. Perhaps they have been conspiring and I am just now getting the memo.

silver fox

Rest In Peace

9/23/93 - 1/27/18

Walking the halls 25 years ago in New York City, 'bright-eyed and bushy tailed', I was not one of those new hires that thought I would be a partner and stay until retirement. I was taught to be grateful that I was employed. My goals at the time were limited to two years, enough to get my CPA and then skedaddle to Wall Street.

Opportunities, but mostly people, pivoted my plans. I learned a lot; I accomplished a lot. It served as a stomping ground for me to face challenges, build my survival toolkit, observe behaviors and refine my filters to define the 'good peeps' in my life (some I consider family), and find my passion. Each contributing to chipping away the walls I built from childhood, and the bubble that my mentor (moments that matter (part 3)) and others like him created for me to enable me to work on eroding the insecurities of years past.

The transition from the initial kissing my boo-boos to 11:11 (part 8) made it seem like a 'walk in the park' yesterday. In so many ways, it was like the journey in 2016 that was the 'beginning of the end' from ftale to 22 and moments that matter (part 2). In a balance of irony for the day, although I was trying to 'hide' on a different floor, one of the men involved in one of my sexual harassment situations was in the next office, which only served as a reminder that I was doing the right thing. It was countered though as I ran into one of my mentees who had started in San Francisco around the time that I started and who had periodically sent me messages and gifts over the last few months while I was on leave. He did not know about my situation, but it was great to see his smile and immediate embrace when he saw me.

My last act of the day was to drop off my computer and badge. Three men who welcomed me when I first moved to San Francisco were also the last to hug me before I exited the same doors. While the practice still wants me to have a big send off, I decided to do it on my own terms yesterday and quietly, peacefully walk into a brisk sunny day to renew my unicorn hair. The electric blue hues added an exciting spark to end the day.

Not only did I make partner but after recent changes in our partnership agreements, I am also officially a retired partner with pension in tow. Not bad for a refugee on a boat. I never once looked back. A part of me felt like I should have been sad, but I could not control the smile that formed on my lips as I walked into that sunshine.

cruisin' for a bruisin'

I never thought I would be a 'cruiser'. One of my favorite vacations though was on a motor sailor with a capacity of less than 50 passengers, including the crew. Some of the things I loved about that excursion are probably what did not work on a large Princess Cruise ship.

During the Greek island hopping, we had meals and partied together over a week, which resulted in it almost feeling like a family, crew and all. It hit a number of different ports but had the flexibility that allowed us to drop anchor on a whim to dive off the boat and swim in the Mediterranean. We did not have any particular curfew, and the crew did not sail off unless the last key was put on the hook, giving us the opportunity to enjoy the nightlife and party the night away in places like Mykonos.

While the cabins were slightly bigger and I did not get sea-sick although many did during the last 2 days of massive waves, the massive ship started to feel very confining over the 10-day period. The food was sub-standard and repetitive, as well as the activities on the boat. Shore excursions were limited to daytime and curfews, causing us to run like hell at one port, although it turns out we had our time set incorrectly. It seems as if a lot of the passengers were 'geriatric' and/or those who like the planned activities and routine. Many have repeated the exact same cruise more than once. The trip confirmed my suspicion that I am not a 'cruiser'. However, it did give me the chance to experience an amazing horseback ride along a secluded beach in Cabo San Lucas, where we got to see whales in the distance.

Although significantly larger with over 4,000 passengers including the crew, we kept running into the same folks. Like the Greek adventure, we met some kind people from different walks of life, including a group that helped me celebrate my cousin's 50th birthday. Although she had anxiety from the build up to it being something other than just dinner with the two of us, she ended up enjoying it immensely. Not only did they get us a bottle of champagne to celebrate, but also channeled our 'inner child' to have a 'lick the plate clean' race. It reminded me of the elderly couples from Australia on the Greek cruise that were young at heart and were game to demonstrate the 'balance spoon on nose' trick I had taught them.

Ironically, my cousin's cousin who also traveled with us but was a 'loner' and cycled through working out, eating and sleeping ('rinse, repeat') tried to 'school me' on Confucius teaching of people acting their age. It was not clear to me based on whose definition provides the benchmark, as he could not point me to any particular guide as to what age groups were 'limited' to what particular activities. I believe, in my limited research, that he is conflating filial piety and role ethics from Confucianism in his interpretation.

I, for one, am happy I found my 'peeps' who are authentic and fun, living life where age is just a number, and not something that defines them.

11:11 (part 8)

Within seconds of seeing 11:11 tonight, a friend also posted 11:11 on his Facebook. It would seem as if one of his friends is into numerology. I realized that the entire day, I had seen 11:11 AM, 1:11PM and 11:11 PM, not quite clicking that it is also 1/11. While I knew 2018 is the universal year 2 (after last year's universal year 1, 11:11 (part 2)), it did not occur to me until his post that 2018 is universal year 11, reduced to 2.

Today, after giving them 3 months with no results (emptying my coffers), I decided to tender my resignation. A part of me is disappointed that the firm I believed in did not step up to changing the culture during the #MeToo movement, especially with a woman in the CEO seat. The other part is relieved in that they have made my decision so easy, the path of least resistance, eliminating any mixed feelings I may have after almost 25 years, of which I had given a lot of my 'blood, sweat and tears'.

Perhaps it was coincidence or another sign that my resignation was sent at 4:07 PM - another 11.

p(h)et-life

I enjoy hiking when there is a mission/objective (e.g., a taste of heaven), especially under the canopy of Mother Nature's best features. The crisp, cool air, the rays of sun streaking through the tall redwood trees, the songs of the creatures in their natural habitat, the morning dew in its cohabiting state with vegetation, and creatures unabashed in their mating rituals.

Ladybugs (rather beetles) have over 5,000 species, but the Hippodamia convergens is one of the most common ones in North America. Every year from November to January, they converge at certain spots as part of the migratory habits. One patch at the intersection of the Stream and Prince Trails at the Redwood Regional Park houses a 'loveliness' of ladybugs (as groups of these creatures are called).

Researchers speculate that each year attracts new ladybugs each time, as their lifespan is relatively short, and that pheromones from predecessors mark the spot. It is impossible to move in that area without inadvertently stepping on them or have them crawl or fly on you. It is a sea of red and black. I even had one that traveled with me to a restaurant hours later. We happened upon it when there was a group of school children who must have been on some form of field trip. As one spectator noted, it was as, if not more, amazing to see the children's awe in experiencing the loveliness as much as the loveliness itself.

* * * * *

Earlier this week, we met Casper, who is a legend of Hayes Valley and has his own Instagram account. He is an 11 year-old Indonesian Umbrella Cockatoo and is an emotional support pet so travels everywhere with his dads. He is potty trained and practically walks his dad when on a leash.

At the bar though, he was a regular in his local dive, Brass Tacks, and strutted around as if he owned the place, including naturally landing on his throne, perched on the shoulder of his favorite bartender, and entertaining the patrons. He had such a fearless yet friendly disposition that it was easy to see how he can provide emotional support to not only his dads but also strangers in a bar. Easy smiles, lovely laughters, tension cutter...faces lightened, shoulders relaxed and groups intermingled when Casper entered their respective zones.

He reminded me so much of my Fuzzy, when a pet becomes family and you take him everywhere with you. I never did have another pet since Fuzzy given the traumatic ending. I wonder if it is time for me to embrace my 'dog-envy'.

the soul takes flight

"Ayant fait réflexion, depuis quelques années, qu'on ne gagnoit rien à être bon homme, je me suis mis à être un peu gai, parce qu'on m'a dit que cela est bon pour la santé."

~ Voltaire, April 17, 1761

If there was one word I would pick to describe my 2017, it would be ... metamorphosis. The year started with walking tree...new or old roots, when I seemed to be at some crossroads. It felt liberating to shed the past and all its trappings both personally and professionally. It has been enlightening to explore aspects of spirituality.

The year in retrospect:

• Curiosity and learning: numerology, astrology, Spanish, law of attraction, software engineering and algorithms
• Passion: bootcamp devoted to women and #changetheratio emphasized my penchant for empowering women and minorities 
• Kindness and acts of service: living it daily
• Simplification: shedding the trappings of corporate America and downsizing the place I call home
• Friendships and love: learning not to go off the grid and nurturing those that I love

Listening to my 'inner child' has taught me to forgive myself, primarily for being hard on myself. Holding onto something that has already gone (e.g., past event) can create mental blockages, and in some instances, creep into physical symptoms. They are interrelated and while there were some scary moments, there were no lows as I grew and emptied my coffers.

Initially, it was daunting to be so exposed and lay it all out there but true to form, it held me accountable to myself and to the universe.

My past does not define me. It was part of my journey. My heart is lighter. Shedding things that were holding me back and/or down is the only way for me to fly. It was the year of me, of #MeToo and #changetheratio, and of women finding our voices. I am stripped and ready to embrace newness of life with every day as a new start to happiness and love. What is gone is good but what is coming is even better. I am making no New Year's resolution as we should be living each day as the person we want to be without some special day as a milestone to change. My adventure is to truly live unconditional love.

Howdy 2018, get ready to be slayed!