tickle my tuple

missing in action

One of my cohorts did her tech talk on web scraping (scrapy) today. The example, where she applied the technology, was Craigslist, specifically posts on missing connections. I never realized that was a thing. When asked, she noted that in the past she periodically perused such listings to see if anybody may have been looking for her.

The day before, someone (lost 'n found) had messaged me that he saw my doppelgänger walking as he rode by her on his bicycle on his way to work. Of course, I joked with him that he may have missed his soulmate if he didn't get her number, as he put it, he didn't want a lawsuit. The gentleman from 11:11 (part 6) could have easily been a missed connection from a fleeting night out in Seville with a small group sharing a hostel. It also reminds me of "camera boy" (an early nickname described in hide 'n seek), whom I met that same summer. It was the summer before moments that matter (part 6), and easily both men were seeds to my carpe diem mentality soon thereafter.

Before I realized the conflict between the type I was attracted to vs. the type I should be attracted to (face of the girl (part 1)), my initial reaction to "camera boy" (unsent letters (part 2)) was to politely extricate myself. He was a freelance camera operator for films and documentaries. His crew was loading their equipment into a truck as I walked by on my way to the Farmer's Market in Union Square. I sometimes tune out the world under my headphones, and that day was no different, until I realized that a figure was my actual shadow for a quarter of a block. He kept a respectable distance, didn't touch me, even though he kept trying to talk to me to get my attention. He kindly asked to walk with me for a bit, telling me about himself, rather than the typical catcalling or pick-up lines.

His efforts to make me feel at ease worked, and once we got to the ATM, he asked for my number. Observing my hesitation, he offered to give me his number instead so that I had control of the option. Knowing my propensity at the time to overanalyze, and learning from a lost moment in Seville, I decided to give him my number instead as I knew if it was up to me, I would likely never see him again.

Hours later, as I was heading back home from the Farmer's Market, was it coincidence that I would run into him again as he was heading towards me on 16th Street? Initially, I thought I had a potential stalker until the rational side realized that he would have to be an amazing sprinter to have gone around an avenue block to position himself in a way to be casually walking towards me. He offered to help carry my purchases and walk with me for a bit. The conversation was easygoing for a couple of strangers, and it was a while later before I realized that he was going out of his way to walk my path. He made no untoward gestures when we got to my block, handed me my packages and said that he would have gladly chosen to spend his afternoon on that walk any time.

On our date, I was so intrigued with his stories and life, as it was so foreign from mine or my friends, at that time. Filming a day in the life of a porn star, attending the AVN Awards, traveling the world months on end...was all so fascinating. Yet before I learned to listen to my gut and heart, my brain took over and instigated with thoughts of what could we possibly have in common. So as he went off on an assignment and I started with my period of moments that matter (part 6), we started to go our separate ways. The following January when he returned, he left a message to hopefully pick up where we left off, explaining that he just got back from an assignment in Vietnam, of all places.

As things were picking up with my first, I never did return that call. However, when things ended with my first years later, camera boy was one of the first men I thought about. Since I had only used his nickname that I christened him with, I never could remember his actual name, which is the one that he programmed in my phone that summer day. I also vandalized my own apartment hoping to find his business card that he gave me that day to no avail - of course, laughing at the silliness of my actions at the same time. In the oft-times that I imagine 'what if' or as in this case, missing connections, he infiltrates my memory banks.

In the aftermath of #MeToo and the perceived gray line of a man approaching a woman he may be interested in, "camera boy" was probably the first true gentleman, intermixed with the confident, "bad boy," that I had ever encountered, which turns out to be 'my type'. Over the years as I have come into my true authentic self, he was the reminder that my spiritual self sent my way to teach me that rebellion, fun and respect can be inclusive. His first comment to me turns out to be a life lesson that has taken me over a decade to fully appreciate...he did not want to ever look back and beat himself up for not having tried to meet me that day, as he simultaneously unapologetically explained his persistence in walking with me. I sometimes wonder if our paths would ever just cross again...

stone skipping (part 9)

For most of them, two decades separate us...a whole generation. The last time I have been a part of an entire group of strangers going through a large chunk of time together was my starting class at work, all doe-eyed and fresh out of college. At the time, we may have had different backgrounds but we were not so diverse on our outlook.

While many are still in their 20's, each woman has had such a colorful journey up to #changetheratio, representing transgender, fashion/retail, manufacturing, lawyer, data visualization, Olympic trainee, teacher, etc. Every woman has an amazing story of their journey that either got them to be a student or an instructor. One of the youngest cohorts is a 25 year-old who ran a Jewish foundation in the south. She has so much energy and her aura exudes such positivity.

She commented this week that she is in awe of being part of an accomplished group of women. My retort was that she needs to look in the mirror. During our weekly touchpoint at the end of the week, it turns out that a majority had had some sort of weak moment in the last two weeks feeling overwhelmed. We seemed to be our own worst critics. Yet in each of their moments of weakness, there was always a pairing partner or co-cohort that stayed late to walk the other through the concepts.

In looking around the room, hopefully they all realized that each was not alone, and we were all in it together. We are only as strong as the weakest member. As part of the #changetheratio and what is mirrored with all the sexual harassment scandals (emptying my coffers), the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

She was my second pairing partner the first week, and perhaps we hit it off because we have similar sense of humor and personality. In trying to describe me to one of her friends, she noted that I somehow have a wicked balance of "that's what she said", and her best word to describe me was "juxtaposition". 

She had mentioned this during the first week, but she emphasized it again this week, noting that if she is anything like who I am now in 20 years, she would be very alright with that. All in all, that may have been the greatest compliment I have ever received. In so many ways, ironically I have had fleeting moments in the past couple of weeks thinking I wish I was as confident and strong 20 years ago as she is today. We all have our journeys that got us together today, but sometimes, it is refreshing to see one's self through another's eyes (stone skipping (part 8)).

open house

Although they are one of my clients, somehow I never discovered their Open Homes program, which was started in 2012. Today I happen to see it in two different messages, specific to the wildfires occurring in Napa and Sonoma. One of my cohorts whose family lives in Napa has been temporarily displaced as they had to evacuate yesterday.

The smokey smell still lingers in the city even after a few days. We learned to create a program to tweet a Markov chain using the Twitter API. While it may be such a simple thing to software engineers, it got some of us so excited to be able to see how technology and bots work. While I had an appreciation for how technology has been able to simplify our lives, seeing the effort under the hood has granted me a very different appreciation for not only the software engineers behind the user interface that we see but also the creators and innovators that do what AirBnb has implemented.

Linking hosts with evacuees in moments of disasters, whether hurricanes, wildfires, mass shootings or other emergencies, to open up homes, rooms and beds and offer short-term stays for free simplifies acts of kindness in very stressful situations. In the chaos of evacuating, my cohort's friend had to leave her dog behind as people were asked to leave luggage and pets behind to prioritize people in the rushed madness. Luckily the next day as she went back, she was able to locate her fuzzy family member.

After all these years of getting advice to rent out my in-law unit, I finally signed up with AirBnb to host any evacuees unfortunately displaced from the wine country wildfires.

emptying my coffers

Today, I finally started to unpack, literally and figuratively, from the week of the 18th. My hospital bag had been sitting next to the washing machine, and the blood smears on the floor have turned brown. Friends offered to hire someone to come clean, but for various reasons, I had to go through the process myself.

The blood-stained clothes had to go through at least two cycles as the smell still lingered for me. The 29th was to be my last day. In a last minute negotiation, I left with my work computer and cellphone still in tact. I decided it was time to empty out my coffers before I could help anyone else, including myself. It was time to tell my story from kissing my boo-boos. The pressure cooker can only go so long, and it was a big relief to finally start taking the weight off my shoulders.

To his credit, one of my "protegés" made a pact to call me every 48 hours from when he found out to not only check in on me but to be the one to remind me what the right thing to do really is. His retort was that I had taught him well over the years. The analyses of the Harvey Weinstein scandal this week seem to mirror the challenges and how subtle or not subtle such harassment can take place. 

With women, who are coming forward after many decades from bad behaviors of Bill Cosby, Weinstein, and tech/Silicon Valley, finally coming into their voices, perhaps we are at some tipping point. Relief washed over me as I joined their ranks and found mine. It will take many sessions to go over almost a decade of silence. Like the lesson from my relationship with my mother (full circle (part 3)), holding on to negativity from the past does nothing but to stunt my growth and happiness.

This week was a challenging but very rewarding time with some amazing women. My cohort represents such diversity and reminded me of the passion that I learned in myself from my years in Asia. Most are millennials, still coming into their own. Many moved from all over the country to spend 12 weeks to #changetheratio.