self-care is self-love

I have found myself keeping busy during this unusual time with a lot of learning, that serendipitously spills into focusing on many things I have neglected for long stretches of time my whole life. It started with identifying two areas of focus in my Women's Health class that I wanted to focus and track my progress during the semester: skincare and meditation. The reminder of journaling my progress as a report card of myself had me establish a routine, something I have not prioritized in my life.

The focus on skincare with the overlap of my Genetics class had me researching cell repair, which led me to micronutrients and supplements as well as quality sleep. This, in turn, led me to separating my sleep environment from everyday life, something so easy to disregard during this period of social distancing. I have experimented with other practices, like shutting out natural sun, steam milk with essential amino acids, 7-minute HIIT/yoga and playing with the "kitty," as factors to improve sleep quality. Meditation led me to additional courses on Buddhism and the science behind well-being practices such as savoring, gratitude, kindness, and quality sleep.

During one of my meditation practices, the focus was to feel our bodies and the sensations and/or messages from thoughts that enter our minds. I do not remember what the guide said to trigger the thought of him, but I do remember the reaction of my body with the sensations centralized from my heart chakra and expanding. It felt a lot like the release from the sound healing meditation (sound bath), as tears just flowed down my face. He has been present for a few of my meditation practices, of late.

For the denouement of my Science of Well-being class, I had chosen sleep quality to be more mindful and journal about. Using a Sleep Cycle, an application, to track the factors leading up to that night as well as calculating my quality sleep made it easy to document any observations or patterns. However, in the last few days, I have realized that it misses the quality of my dreams. A couple of nights ago, I had the unusual experience of waking up a few times after some vivid dreams. He was in each one and each dream was different, not picking up where it left off. The only obvious overlapping theme was that he was in them and our lives seemed to be enmeshed, his knowing my friends from this lifetime and my knowing his friends whom I have never met in this lifetime. Perhaps they were memories from other lifetimes with similar soul mates with soul contracts in our lives. 

I finally forced myself to get out of bed, thinking that I had a restless night with all the sleep interruptions; only to be surprised to find that my quality sleep registered at 88%, possibly the second highest I have seen in the few times I have used the app (a few spotty times 3-4 years ago and a few times recently for this assignment). Perhaps from the stress in prior years and the irregular sleep schedule recently, my sleep quality seems to hover between 35%-75%. That night, I had registered 6 REM cycles, and at the time, I could recount the flashes of dreams for each of those cycles. I was grateful though for the gift.

This morning I woke up to similar sensations as that of the sound healing meditation and the recent meditation practice of feeling the body's reaction. For a fleeting moment I was torn whether to turn over and try to go back to sleep, and decided that the feeling was a great way to start the day especially since I did not feel tired, only to find that it was 6:59AM at 34% sleep quality and only 3 sleep cycles in less than 3 hours. Human apps have not figured out how to track the quality of non-3D experiences. Perhaps one day.

The visuals, and the knowing, of watching my "special" child with her courage and bravery, commingled with frivolity, feeling the support and love of who I am, and all those lives we have touched, with him watching me as I watched the child we have created and nurtured...

...so this is what true happiness feels like.

modern love

I wonder how we will remember this moment in time, sort of like where were you when 9/11 happened. Yet for New Yorkers, it wasn't just one moment but a new normal that changed us forever, perhaps for the better in our kindness, resiliency and compassion.

In the last few months, I have noticed how my YouTube feed/recommendations have been sending me messages from my spirit guides/universe for not just me but for others in my life, which has been very serendipitous in its timing. I have often thought of this blog and whether I should get back to it after pausing for "life drains" and somehow there didn't seem to be lessons or meaningful insights to share until today.

I've never heard of the Modern Love series in The New York Times but it seems as if they have videos and podcasts as its companions. I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on A Kiss, Deferred. Given our social distancing new normal, touch and intimacy seems so far away especially for someone whose love language includes physical touch and quality time.

While the article was more in depth, the cliffhanger left people wanting. However, I like that the story stops there for people to imagine the possibilities. On both YouTube and The New York Times, the beautiful part was others sharing their stories of lost loves or those beautiful moments that they hold  onto in stressful or sad times. It made me think of Toby (unsent letters (part 1) and moments that matter (part 1)) and him who has inundated this blog (full circle (part 1), the truth shall set you free, and all posts in between).

Toby helped me through childhood, and he has helped me through adulthood.

We were strangers. We would not have recognized each other on the street. Yet we understood something about each other that no one else did or could...

Some of my memories had faded. Others were so vivid I feared I had invented them, but he remembered many of the same things, and just differently enough to make my own memories even more real.

~ Nikolini Kulidzan, The New York Times 7/30/15

I had taken a pause for a period in our lives and in the silence, I am sure he knew why. As a moth to a flame or knowing one's foundation or home, it felt right to have reached out again recently especially during this global pandemic to know that we are not alone and that life is sometimes just deferred.

touchpoint

When you know your journey is bigger than you yet it takes a toll beyond what you thought you could tolerate...the memories and flashes tingle of energy throughout the body to revitalize the soul. My search for simplicity brought complexity. Crossroads...choices...another year down.

synchronicity (part 1)

I have had enough synchronicities in my life to have learned that there are no coincidences. If one is receptive to it, the YOUniverse (e.g., universe/higher power and your higher self) provide signs in these moments to indicate that one is on the right path.

I started a 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge by Deepak Chopra last week with a few friends. The first day's exercise was to list 50 people who has influenced me, big or small. For many, it seemed like a daunting task but as they started, names flowed out of them. However for me, I kept getting stuck, perhaps because my standard of 'influential' is high or perhaps because the people who  shaped me were mostly strangers having passing conversations. I had come up with 43 people, of which about half were no-name individuals who came and went but provided me 'food for thought'.

I started my own group as one of the exercises yesterday and shared my struggle with my list. In my Life in the Universe class today, we watched a Neil Degrasse science documentary. In one clip, it flashed a 1953 article with a headline about scientists (i.e., Harold Urey and Stanley Miller) re-creating the primordial conditions that may have created the first amino acids. For some reason, my eyes gravitated towards the byline - Earl Ubell.

One of my many jobs in college in order to pay tuition was as a bookkeeper for the Health and Science Editor of WCBS in NYC. He was always kind and we got into interesting conversations. I ended up Googling the name and lo and behold, according to his Wikipedia page, he became the Science Editor at the New York Herald Tribune in 1953. It turns out he also interviewed Albert Einstein in 1953, and one of his prized possessions was a letter from Einstein congratulating him on the article.

The flash jogged my memory of a time I had mostly forgotten and two influential people in my life, Earl Ubell and his 'late-life' partner, who turned out to be my Human Reproduction professor at NYU. They both showed me kindness and opened my eyes to areas foreign to me, sexuality and new scientific discoveries.

chimera

The Temple is a sacred place within Black Rock City and is said to represent the 'soul' of Burning Man, located at 12 o'clock. It was first constructed in 2000, originally as an art installation that then turned into a commemoration for a fellow burner who helped build the Temple of the Mind and died from a motorcycle accident on the way to Burning Man. Setting it up into flames marks the end of Burning Man, and for many, the end of debilitating aspects of their lives whether certain behaviors, certain people or certain memories or new beginnings with rituals, ceremonies and weddings.

The Temple of Direction was designed by Geordie Van Der Bosch, in collaboration with a number of artists for the lighting and seating arrangements. It represents the passage of life from beginning to middle to end. Some bring offerings, letters and tokens to burn. Even those who are not able to attend the burn, send such offerings and letters to friends and family to leave at the Temple on their behalf. 

During the week, thousands visit the Temple to connect, remember, reflect and renew themselves with loved ones who have left this dimension and/or with others who are there to share love and support each other. While the energy during the burning of the man is electric, the energy from the burning of the Temple has its own magnetic energy of serenity. The silence is as deafening, if not more so than the cheers when the man toppled. The Temple in its position at the top of the clock in deep playa is a stark contrast to the rest of the festivities.

Metamorphosis was the theme for 2019. For many in my circle, 2019 has been a challenge for individuals and relationships in many varying ways.  I have been told that experiences are amplified on the playa. It is a place that makes or breaks relationships, for example. A friend theorized that it is the heat that puts everyone in a heightened state. However, having experienced the energy on the playa, I believe there is an energetic vortex and magic that is embodied from the collective conscience of almost 80,000 individuals, gathered in one place. We did ceremonies to leave behind limiting beliefs and parts of us  or people that no longer served us. It was also at the Temple that friends got engaged.

Some biologists believe in the Death and Resurrection Theory of certain species like caterpillars and butterflies whereby two animals share a DNA molecule but one dies and dissolves within the chrysalis, and the same (imaginal) cells reincarnates into a different animal altogether. Two different sets of genetic instructions, resulting in two different organisms.

The burning of the Temple represents the chrysalis and the death of one life or letting go of things that no longer serve them and reincarnation of a new beginning upon return to the 'default world'. While the first mass exodus is after the man burns, more than half stay to watch their intentions sealed up, never to return and go up in flames...their final forgiveness of self.

"Awakening is not a thing. It is not a goal, not a concept. It is not something to be attained. It is a metamorphosis. If the caterpillar thinks about the butterfly it is to become, saying ‘And then I shall have wings and antennae,’ there will never be a butterfly. The caterpillar must accept its own disappearance in its transformation. When the marvelous butterfly takes wing, nothing of the caterpillar remains."

~ Alejandro Jodorowsky