blossoming

I really want to be my true self...free, uninhibited, and perhaps even dirty. I'd like to live as who I am. What should I do?

There is a scene in The Naked Director where Megumi is asked why she wants to be in an adult video. It is followed up with what she would like a man to do to her.

First to make me feel safe. Then to hold me...Tighter.

And before anything should continue, she stops, stands up tall, partially disrobes and raising her arms, glorifying in her natural splendor, declares:

Please look at me...This is who I am! 

~ Megumi Sahara, The Naked Director

Raised by a mother who projected all her fears onto the young Megumi, she struggled with the confounds placed on a woman, especially in Japanese society. The financial freedom seemed to have allowed her to cut some of those ties that bound her. However, I have found that the financial freedom also becomes its own bindings in a society that still believes in masculine vs. feminine roles and attributes (man in the mirror and the unboxing). I sometimes catch myself being ashamed of my success and wealth, for its limitations on how others judge or perceive me.

A recent spontaneous opportunity had me exploring full circle (part 9) in its full regalia, with the complexity of the layers from man in the mirror. Of course, I initially welcomed it believing that it was a simple lesson in receiving and a delayed annual birthday trip since full circle (part 6), totally forgetting touchpoint as a recurring theme. The adventure left me with a lot to unpack, ensuring that I was bedridden to allow me to prioritize self-care and reflection.

While it allowed my parents to exhibit their love (standing taller), the first break in my bones taught me that constantly repairing what is in front of us may oftentimes be the longer journey than getting rid of the old and what we know, and embracing the new and being comfortable with the uncomfortable. This wasn't a lesson of receiving but a reminder of an old manifestation that in a decades-long rebellious streak left me venturing on a different path (22), seeking the unconventional without staying true to what kept me alive when I had wanted to disappear (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and full circle (part 8)).

We shared stories, had intellectual (and at times, spiritual) conversations (something I find I have deeply missed during my time in the Bay, yet ironically, he's from the Bay), laughed, and were vulnerable with acceptance, and in a simple gesture to strangers at the beach (another flashback to a wish from a prayer - bubble of bliss), what I thought would be a simple lesson in receiving had me looking up at a tall mountain that stood before me as the next adventure to conquer and relish in. I felt a bit of excitement (as I had been itching for the next chapter in my life that I had thought would lead me to Eastern cultures), coupled with some apprehension with the simple synchronicities that sometimes seemed too aligned to be true. 

Perchance, the next chapter is closer to the heart rather than far-off shores. As I am understanding that each of my relationships is a mirroring of a part of me for me to learn more about myself (rippling reflections), the reflection that I saw in that simple gesture to strangers caused me to catch my breath at whom I was seeing from within, followed by a gentle smile and burst of nothing other than what can be described as unadulterated love, in its simplicity and pureness. It has dawned on me in writing this that similar to my surprise at my love languages (modern love and full circle (part 9)), what I have tried so hard to overcome to survive from a 'lack of' turns out to be what my soul needs the most to flourish (11:11 (part 10)).

Thoughts of the raven/masculine energy that has been my source of self-protection (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) has me thinking that perhaps my pendulum has swung too far in the quest for freedom and liberation that I forwent the teachings of Taoism and balance. Alfred Adler's concept of organ inferiority focuses on how the body adapts and compensates for physical deficiencies, at times causing our other senses to strengthen. In a relatively short time, my left leg and arms have had to flex its muscles, and my head has been dealt a few bumps (more like a bruised ego in my stubborn insistence in maneuvering this setback alone). Adler notes though that the compensation can be taken to extremes, resulting in overcompensation, more so based on one's psyche rather than the body's adaptive system.

When discussing shibaru and the intricacy of my orgasms, it seemed natural for me to understand that the bindings and the grounding are what brings me back into a cocoon of safety and nurturing. As Megumi highlighted, having someone hold onto us tightly empowers us to drop the walls that held us up so that we can relax into ourselves, as she visibly let her body find comfort in Toru Muranishi's embrace. In her giving in, his entire being shifted and his nurturing side took over, where she relaxed into being taken care of and his ministrations.

Of course, my podiatrist said that it was a complicated fracture that can be fixed with a simple procedure. I have learned part of the lesson in its physical form but the next chapter seems anything but simple albeit rather rewarding and intoxicating. In what seemed like an obscure reference at first, Megumi and Toru appear to be creating their own "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" paths when they chanced upon each other. 

As is the case with soulmates, perhaps their/our paths will continue to cross, melding at times, but full of adrenaline rushes nonetheless. In a combination of old and new manifestations, it is interesting that I noted my attraction to Mars in Scorpio (or Aquarius) in face of the girl (part 1). As with the three of swords, I am reminded that I am where I need to be, and with the fracture in the fifth metatarsal, I am having to learn patience in the healing required, hopefully coming out as the bionic woman (or at least foot) on the other side, and reconnecting or rather re-defining my 'style of life', as Adler dubs it. 

the unboxing

The container...this is a word that people use to put boundaries around a perceived safe environment for communication that separates it from the rest of the world. Yet the concept of a box where someone puts you into a category, a box, prefabricated and defined, seems so limiting on where you can move and/or grow. 

How do I best communicate what that means to me and how it hurts? It is as if someone's confirmation bias or prejudice/judgment of you defines you and you are limited to that specific definition rather than being open to explore who you are and/or letting you fly to explore yourself. Now there are so many opportunities in the world that isn't limited to a box or judgmental people so what is my learning and reflection as to why I continue to migrate towards those situations and in some cases, continue to repeat doing so like a moth to a flame? 

Is it because I am hoping people change or is it because I'm easily fooled? I have always struggled with people judging me based on their experiences with others, that are then projected onto me. Rather than appreciate the uniqueness of me, I find myself having to modify or overly communicate to help others navigate me. And yet, I look at them all and want to scream "LOOK AT ME, SEE ME, I'M ME, AND NOBODY ELSE! GET TO KNOW ME FOR ME." 

Yet my whole life, I've had walls that others have placed before me that I've had to climb over just to have an opportunity at proving myself, overcoming everyone else's biases or past experiences, making up for all the past transgressions others afflicted onto them. Why do people categorize people in their lives? What makes someone good enough to fit into certain categories and is that person truly in the right category based in assumptions that others have made?

Of course, there are people's insecurities that I have to combat. The issue of a woman being successful that makes men take pause. The issue of a woman who is independent in mind causing men to feel not in control. The issue of a woman sexually liberated creating all sorts of ego challenges. They are the women you may want to have fun with but not the women you would respect or put in one's sacred category. Why? What causes people to do that?

In a way, it is shaming people for being who they are that doesn't stop you from enjoying them for what you get out of it but then using that shame to triangulate them in your life. Be in the moment. Be present with those in your vicinity. Be vulnerable, Be you, but let them be them. Beautiful memories are waiting to spring forth.

self-care is self-love

I have found myself keeping busy during this unusual time with a lot of learning, that serendipitously spills into focusing on many things I have neglected for long stretches of time my whole life. It started with identifying two areas of focus in my Women's Health class that I wanted to focus and track my progress during the semester: skincare and meditation. The reminder of journaling my progress as a report card of myself had me establish a routine, something I have not prioritized in my life.

The focus on skincare with the overlap of my Genetics class had me researching cell repair, which led me to micronutrients and supplements as well as quality sleep. This, in turn, led me to separating my sleep environment from everyday life, something so easy to disregard during this period of social distancing. I have experimented with other practices, like shutting out natural sun, steam milk with essential amino acids, 7-minute HIIT/yoga and playing with the "kitty," as factors to improve sleep quality. Meditation led me to additional courses on Buddhism and the science behind well-being practices such as savoring, gratitude, kindness, and quality sleep.

During one of my meditation practices, the focus was to feel our bodies and the sensations and/or messages from thoughts that enter our minds. I do not remember what the guide said to trigger the thought of him, but I do remember the reaction of my body with the sensations centralized from my heart chakra and expanding. It felt a lot like the release from the sound healing meditation (sound bath), as tears just flowed down my face. He has been present for a few of my meditation practices, of late.

For the denouement of my Science of Well-being class, I had chosen sleep quality to be more mindful and journal about. Using a Sleep Cycle, an application, to track the factors leading up to that night as well as calculating my quality sleep made it easy to document any observations or patterns. However, in the last few days, I have realized that it misses the quality of my dreams. A couple of nights ago, I had the unusual experience of waking up a few times after some vivid dreams. He was in each one and each dream was different, not picking up where it left off. The only obvious overlapping theme was that he was in them and our lives seemed to be enmeshed, his knowing my friends from this lifetime and my knowing his friends whom I have never met in this lifetime. Perhaps they were memories from other lifetimes with similar soul mates with soul contracts in our lives. 

I finally forced myself to get out of bed, thinking that I had a restless night with all the sleep interruptions; only to be surprised to find that my quality sleep registered at 88%, possibly the second highest I have seen in the few times I have used the app (a few spotty times 3-4 years ago and a few times recently for this assignment). Perhaps from the stress in prior years and the irregular sleep schedule recently, my sleep quality seems to hover between 35%-75%. That night, I had registered 6 REM cycles, and at the time, I could recount the flashes of dreams for each of those cycles. I was grateful though for the gift.

This morning I woke up to similar sensations as that of the sound healing meditation and the recent meditation practice of feeling the body's reaction. For a fleeting moment I was torn whether to turn over and try to go back to sleep, and decided that the feeling was a great way to start the day especially since I did not feel tired, only to find that it was 6:59AM at 34% sleep quality and only 3 sleep cycles in less than 3 hours. Human apps have not figured out how to track the quality of non-3D experiences. Perhaps one day.

The visuals, and the knowing, of watching my "special" child with her courage and bravery, commingled with frivolity, feeling the support and love of who I am, and all those lives we have touched, with him watching me as I watched the child we have created and nurtured...

...so this is what true happiness feels like.

modern love

I wonder how we will remember this moment in time, sort of like where were you when 9/11 happened. Yet for New Yorkers, it wasn't just one moment but a new normal that changed us forever, perhaps for the better in our kindness, resiliency and compassion.

In the last few months, I have noticed how my YouTube feed/recommendations have been sending me messages from my spirit guides/universe for not just me but for others in my life, which has been very serendipitous in its timing. I have often thought of this blog and whether I should get back to it after pausing for "life drains" and somehow there didn't seem to be lessons or meaningful insights to share until today.

I've never heard of the Modern Love series in The New York Times but it seems as if they have videos and podcasts as its companions. I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on A Kiss, Deferred. Given our social distancing new normal, touch and intimacy seems so far away especially for someone whose love language includes physical touch and quality time.

While the article was more in depth, the cliffhanger left people wanting. However, I like that the story stops there for people to imagine the possibilities. On both YouTube and The New York Times, the beautiful part was others sharing their stories of lost loves or those beautiful moments that they hold  onto in stressful or sad times. It made me think of Toby (unsent letters (part 1) and moments that matter (part 1)) and him who has inundated this blog (full circle (part 1), the truth shall set you free, and all posts in between).

Toby helped me through childhood, and he has helped me through adulthood.

We were strangers. We would not have recognized each other on the street. Yet we understood something about each other that no one else did or could...

Some of my memories had faded. Others were so vivid I feared I had invented them, but he remembered many of the same things, and just differently enough to make my own memories even more real.

~ Nikolini Kulidzan, The New York Times 7/30/15

I had taken a pause for a period in our lives and in the silence, I am sure he knew why. As a moth to a flame or knowing one's foundation or home, it felt right to have reached out again recently especially during this global pandemic to know that we are not alone and that life is sometimes just deferred.

touchpoint

When you know your journey is bigger than you yet it takes a toll beyond what you thought you could tolerate...the memories and flashes tingle of energy throughout the body to revitalize the soul. My search for simplicity brought complexity. Crossroads...choices...another year down.