in the NOW

saudade (part 5) had me wondering what 2023 had in store for me. So much of the saudade series had me reflecting on the past and the paths I had taken, much of it wrapped around an honorable mention from the first post (boot scoot'n and takin' flight...) and though I had felt that we would always have some connection (11:11 (part 9)), 2022 gently guided me towards some 'truths' that had stunted my view of the infinite possibilities (weightless). In quantum physics, scientists are learning that time is a mere illusion, a human construct for us to differentiate our memories, rather than a four-dimensional structure (block universe) with every experience with its own coordinates in space-time, allowing everything to be present now.

Lesson 80 in ACIM notes that all solutions are placed with the corresponding problem, and our perspective of a 'problem' is due to our misuse of time. Yet, it wasn't until lesson 91 about miracles only being seen in the light that I was able to understand the shift in perspective that Marianne Williamson contextualized (saudade (part 4)). What seemed like a lifelong 'problem' (ftale), something that supposedly kept hope alive with a promise from a Sunday School teacher that God wouldn't let us die without answering some life-long prayer, has ironically kept me in the darkness with a 'ball and chain', causing me to make decisions that were not always kind to me.

It wasn't until today, fitting message celebrating Jesus' birth, that I realized that in letting go of the concept of  'romantic ideals' and truly incorporating the philosophy of relationship anarchy, the angst of the past of  'lovelessness' and the future of 'hope' no longer seemed to matter. Rather than searching for unconditional love, triggering taught me that I only had control over me and my ability to give unconditional love but that future of  'hope' resulted in my staying in situations when they were no longer serving me.

As Ward highlights, "when people choose love, they always choose right". Although cliché, he reminds me that the most important relationship is one with 'me' which I have neglected at times, 'sacrificing' for what I thought was how 'unconditional love' should work. Leaving the shackles behind, I was surprised by the journey I was about to embark on, or rather, how quickly it presented itself...of course, only because of the illusion of time. With the intention of ending cycles, I have discovered a number of 'firsts'. The Sun -- Bella (saudade (part 1)) ... the lighthouse -- my magical friend (saudade (part 4)) ... the disco ball -- BDC (saudade (part 5)) ...

For the relationship anarchist, relationships are fluid without the confines of 'romanticism'. With the light shining from my Sun, lighthouse and disco ball, I now see the solution that came with my perceived 'problem'. Love is all around me, something I can give and receive with no conditions, and no matter what coordinate I choose to jump to, for the first time, I am having a really fun time being present in the NOW.

saudade (part 5)

I have learned in my life journey that there are no coincidences in life. The relationships we choose to engage in represent mirrors to our souls. If we have the courage to see what is reflected back to us in our behaviors and reactions to the other, we can unveil some latent part of us that needs to be seen and heard. In May Pang's Why We Need Bad Things to Happen to Us, she highlights the universal truth that we can only appreciate who we are today if we know what the journey that got us here, and with the Taoist principle of duality, one can only appreciate the light, if he/she knows the darkness.

Working through my fears of 'unwantedness' or 'being hidden' has manifested throughout my life in so many layers like the Matryoshka doll (saudade (part 4)), chipping away at different facets of the same theme. While I thought that they were behind me (hide 'n seek, full circle (part 2), full circle (part 3), full circle (part 4), full circle (part 8), and lost 'n found), it came roaring its ugly head. Perhaps the random contacts from two recent exes who kept stoking these themes throughout our relationships should have been the portent that told me to brace myself. Yet doing things differently this time, and handing the keys to my inner demons to someone had me foolishly believing I had guarded myself from them coming back up. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I found myself curling up as that little girl again. In the cocoon of my own bed, I knew I needed a little miracle as Marianne Williamson says and shift my perspective (saudade (part 4)). 

I wanted to run. I wanted to see it as a sign that this journey, while short-lived, had served its purpose. Yet I knew that it was that part of me that had reservations for starting this journey in the first place, and where there is fear, it is a place I need to walk in. Within my glance was the box of curated items representing the hope of where the journey could go with intentional exploration and connection at a deeper level, and in that moment, the miracle in shifting my perspective had me realizing that I needed to make a different choice than running. As my friend recently reminded me (spiritual masters and saudade (part 4)), elevating one's energy/vibrations isn't about who you attract but what you're attracted to, and the people with those negative energies will always be around us...how we react to it is the choice for us to change our pattern(s). Rather than choosing to lick my wounds and becry the supposed retraumatization, I realized that this was just as much about my triggers as it was his.

While I thought overcoming my ego and reaching out to resolve things when I was the one who got hurt was the toughest challenge, it turned out being ignored and trivialized steeled my resolve that there was more to this than met the eye. Luckily, I had another incident early on as a frame of reference to how he handles situations and the drastic difference in the two reactions solidified my knowing that something else was going on with him that perhaps he himself wasn't aware of, as hurt people hurt others despite their best intentions.

Yet, there is a learning to be had in any negative experience, and as Pang noted, one of the outcomes when bad things happen is that it can result in 'serendipitous discoveries'. I did learn more about myself this weekend. Like how I was surprised to learn that one of my love languages is touch, something I was deprived of in childhood (saudade (part 2) and modern love), I unpeeled another 'layer of the onion' in my draw to shibari and/or BDSM. What I had thought was driven by an opportunity to relinquish control to someone else, the duality of someone who has had to be independent and responsible her whole life (ftale) may be more along the path of where full circle (part 9) was taking me and why I still struggle to receive without feeling the need to reciprocate or trusting that there are no conditions in the purity of the gesture (blossoming and surrendering to the unknown). In the moments that the rope is binding me like a kiss or a hug or with the pleasurable pain of the flog, I can surrender to trusting that someone is finally going to take care of me and has my best interest at heart.