baby girl

in the NOW, Fuzzy (hamster wheel) is still present with me from a block universe perspective. I have always had the view that animals have souls and folding them in as family members. In many ways, the furry creatures are the only family members who truly give unconditional love, and Fuzzy was my emotional support buddy when I felt very isolated. The trauma from Fuzzy's unexpected death left me with scars, and in some way, distrust of my immediate family since they were involved in some capacity in it.

Over the years, I have entertained adopting (11:11 (part 3)), primarily a rescue, especially after witnessing how they provide such 'joie de vivre' to their family (phoenix rising and p(h)et-life). moments that matter (part 4) was the first time that I felt connected to a dog as family, perhaps it was the length of time we had together or perhaps it was because I played a maternal role in Bella's formative years as a pup. Although my mother isn't really a pet person (hamster wheel), she has recounted stories about the family dog in Vietnam, where animals are view more as functional than family members. He guarded us when we were left alone as toddlers (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), and when we emigrated as refugees, my uncles went to retrieve him and other valuables, only to have him escape, wandering the streets trying to find his missing family. That thought always makes me so sad.

The winter storm of 2021 brought another Bella (saudade (part 1) and in the NOW) into my life when her family realized that they couldn't properly care for the young puppy in a small apartment with a toddler. While I co-parent her at times with my sister's family, it soon became clear we have vastly different pup-parenting styles.

However, much like 11:11 (part 14), I encountered people who had similar parenting styles as mine, or at least gave me the freedom to love and guide my own way. She has made me realize that what seemed missing in my life was filled by her presence, and it solidified my decision to embrace a part of her genetic lineage, knowing that her sister was raised with love and companionship of their birth mother.

In a way, this isn't quite unsent letters (part 3) as I know she knows my thoughts at a soul level. It is a pū'iwa to me that turns out to be moments that matter (part 8), leaving me feeling as we're soul sisters (thelma & louise (part 4)).

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Dear Baby Girl -

Today marks the beginning of a three-day cycle to 'Find Joy' for everyone, and as the 'Connect To Your Joy' meditation asked me to visualize someone or something that brings me joy, there was no hesitation when you popped into my head, immediately drawing a smile to my lips that stayed for the entire 10 minutes of the meditation.

Some of my happiest moments recently were going on adventures with you. During our hike along the trails of Memorial Park, I envisioned what it would have been like to raise a daughter, teaching her to be confident, independent, curious and adventurous, with the security of love and protection behind her if she were to ever get in a snag. Periodically, you would turn to me as if to get my permission or expecting me to guide you, and with my smile of encouragement, you explored the sights, scents and sounds of Mother Nature.

Letting you guide our journey, you showed me the secluded spot with the sign to look up and listen to hear the melodic songs of varying birds; you took us down a small ravine, off the beaten path, and somehow you guided us back to another path, as if you knew where you were going all along; you showed us a small limb full of ladybugs and the lone man sitting in a wheelbarrow soaking in the beautiful sky; and when I was concerned that you may be getting parched, you magically led us towards the water fountain.

I've always loved your courtesy puppy bow as a call to play to other dogs, ensuring them that you are safe and wanted to socialize. While many masters deterred others from playing with you, Oliver's dad was thrilled how playful you were.

I'm touched at how you've always checked in on me to make sure I was not hurting during physical activities with others or loved me when you sensed my emotions. Your heat and weight next to me gave me comfort when we slept, and you were a big part of why I slept better. No matter where you started when we went to bed, you always ended up next to me in the morning. My day was always great when it started with cuddles from you in the morning.

You became my shadow. From the start, even my nephew asked if I plied you with a lot of treats, as my family noticed how attached you were to me. We just connected at a soul level. While it made my heart sing to see how excited you would get when you saw me, it started to break my heart in the end as you started to get anxious, knowing that I was about to leave, and perhaps not knowing if you'd see me again. 

You are my love, my family and my forever baby girl. I had decided to get a boy (your nephew), thinking that you'd have a lot of interaction with him, and not wanting you to think that there would be another who took your place as my baby girl.

I never thought there would be another Fuzzy in my life. Subconsciously, I had walls up to protect my heart from such unconditional love but you magically and effortlessly made that dissipate. You made me feel safe, protected and above all else, loved.

Thank you for tearing down those walls and opening up my heart again. I am forever grateful for the times, albeit short, we had together and the impact you've made in my life. I hope that I provided you some security and love during a complicated and tense time that uprooted your original family unit. I miss you dearly, and sometimes find myself waking up in the middle of the night with thoughts of you.

💞

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

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Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."