In this day of 'fake news', April Fool's Day seems to be watered down in its frivolity. Truth is no longer truth but what the mass wants to believe in order to continue to live in their own alternate reality.
A month ago, I started on a journey that was based on a lie. Perhaps due to my gut or even the male spirit that never left (bubble of bliss), I followed my intuition that seemed to lean towards following this journey, perhaps either to change an existing template or to re-emphasize some learnings. The 'lie' was exposed in time for me to be able to properly consent, and for that, I am grateful as I have learned that starting something based on a lie has a way of tainting all great memories with a veil of negativity.
Prior to that, things had occurred that made me think I had not fully worked out all my 'inner child' matters, mostly based on the type of people that were coming in and out of my life. They seemed repetitive to old templates rather than new. Luckily, they left almost as quickly as they came in, which is indicative of some progress in the ability to remove toxicity. Based on the Law of Attraction, it was signaling to me that I am still attracting certain behaviors that mirrored mine, subconsciously or not. Yet I still could not put my finger on what that was.
In the last 48 hours, I found myself in a situation that seem too familiar. While I embraced my feelings and struggled with my 'old nature' vs 'inside voice' of how to react, I found myself watching me repeat patterns, although the 'stubborn' side of me had a solution that did not seem any more productive so I ignored her as well. My body seemed to be manifesting the mental struggle physically with a pounding headache that lasted through the night and body sweats overnight, seems a bit late in the season for flu-like symptoms.
In my sweat induced dreams, I had fleeting thoughts that seemed to find some clarity as the cobwebs burned throughout the sunlight of the day. I have always said that I don't like to be chased, in that I believe that when people are mutually attracted to each other, the effort should be mutual and on both sides, if we were to value both of ourselves rather than viewing the other as 'out of our league', thus one is expected to pursue the one 'out of his/her league'. It has always seemed silly to me. Nobody should even view themselves in some leagues of inequality. People are people with value in all its purity.
As April Fool's approaches, my moment of clarity is recognizing my past propensity to believe in my 'fake news' that allowed me to live in my alternate reality in some 'injured party' way rather than creating the opportunity to communicate beyond my/our assumptions and learn whether both parties are making efforts that are defined in our own way, rather than under someone's preconceived templates of 'effort'. For that I am sorry to my 'inner child' and to others whom I quickly walked away or built walls in self defense of protecting the 'loving, vulnerable self' of me. While she showed up last weekend (wait...magic happens), I realized the next day that 'she' is the best part of me and I miss seeing her more. I remember stating that night that 'she' doesn't come out much so appreciate her while she is there. Upon reflection, I was surprised as I had never consciously recognized that I had tucked her away in such a way.
In my quest to live in unconditional love (the soul takes flight), my truth is that 'she' shouldn't be someone I take out once in a while only when she feels that she is in a safe, 100% trusting environment but rather every day as I have to trust that she also knows how to live in love and light and is the only way I learn to live in unconditional love by allowing her to color the way I see the truth of goodness in life rather than the 'fake news' of the alternate reality. I am to love regardless of the actions of the other party (similar to full circle (part 3)). I know that if we no longer mirror each other, the relationship will reflect that. Keeping score, even under the guise of protecting oneself and ensuring one is appreciated, is fraught with conditions that I never want, even as an unintended consequence. It would also seem as I am writing this, my pounding headache has completely dissipated.
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