"The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
~ rumi, Poem 1246
When I started my sexploration in 2016 (ftale), there was much of a 'rebel without a cause' attitude, leading me to a friend stepping in to put a pause to my self-destruction (moments that matter (part 2)). While my journey became much more intentional, it repeated themes that I couldn't seem to shake until resfeber where there was a learning that rather than looking to another for a love that 'completed' me, it had to start with loving my self, a knowing that I was starting the last leg of a very long, yet rewarding, journey filled with experiences and campfire stories that many have never dared to venture.
While I was sure shoshin was a close of one door to make room for an opening of another, it just gave an opportunity for us to breathe and appreciate a magic that was unfolding. It was quite a crazy idea to bring in our mutual BFF, considering it was a recent BFF for him and one that I never entertain with a 'stranger'. While it wasn't as smooth as planned, at least for me, and as they say on the Playa, 'you get the Burn you need, not the one you want'.
The surprises, while much touching upon my love language, had me practicing my ability to 'receive' with grace (blossoming). For the first time, my BFF left me with some memory gaps, somewhat akin to safe haven, but with some hints in my heart of what transpired but without an actual memory, perhaps my way of letting me process things in due time. When I set the intention of 'learning unconditional love', I hadn't dreamt that it would be the day after, surprising both of us. In the end, it was highlighting my fear that I wouldn't have the strength to not be overtaken by the waves of the recurring themes I have so long fought to not be drowned by. But with strength comes the courage to walk through that door without conditions.
In our last moments, I felt a shift and was so consumed by the beauty I saw that I couldn't take my eyes away. We have both felt that there was not just a strong chemistry and connection but more a comfort, safety and knowing of each other for many years, despite still being relative strangers. But when I opened one of his gifts and came upon Rumi's poem, I finally understood.
Eye contact has been quite the challenge for me since childhood (complementing compliments), despite my knowing that they are the 'windows to the soul'. From a spiritual perspective, I also knew that people we encounter in our lives provide mirrors to us (rippling reflections) to learn from. In the end, perhaps my struggle had to do with the shame of my self that I saw in their eyes. Yet, as we sat there at lunch, the beauty I saw in his blue eyes, is a reflection of ME.
* * * * *
Update February 1, 2025:
It was meant to be an experiment with touch, yet as I was setting intention(s), it seemed natural to continue the theme of unconditional love and embracing what would come up, hoping that maybe memories would rush back. Never having hung out with my BFF alone, I wasn't sure how it would feel without the energy of another connected with her. The massage felt amazing, numbing any pain receptors. While my skin was tingling to the rhythm and resonance of his playlist, the experience was limited to the experiment itself.
With the end of the massage, the timing should have been the afterglow on the date with my BFF and on my drive, I was convinced that she had left my system. Usually onset hits me at 45 minutes to an hour. My BFF decided to change her modus operandi by dropping in 4 hours later. In the darkness and warmth of the bed we shared with the playlist reverberating the walls, the memories came back like a freight train .. not through my mind, but through my body. The body kept 'score'. The cells were like instruments in an orchestra, perfectly harmonious and synchronistic. They knew each individual song and the movements of that night. Slow and deep, fast and serpentine ... the peak, lasting about two hours, commemorated the moment with wetness, much akin to the time before.
In the afterglow of the following week, it dawned on me that my BFF helped me release much of the doubts and fears that while my mind had processed over the holidays, my body had held onto from decades of muscle memory. My heart felt free, and the periodic ache in my belly, representing the negative emotions from solar plexus, seemed to have been silenced.
"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."
~ The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
