While I usually volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen during Thanksgiving holidays, I decided to head into the Children's Hospital, thinking I could either relieve parents who chose to be with their child(ren) or gift some babies with love, touch and healing energies. During my 40-minute drive, it was cloudy yet with the fall foliage, it is quite a lovely, meditative experience. I found myself contemplating how much has transpired and my transformation within the last two years, as laying on of hands guided me down this juncture.
only our hearts understand ... led me down a path to re-watch my QHHT. My interpretation of it is drastically different than it was five years ago (leap of faith). My higher self did note that I was coming into resources and tools that would have guided me along my journey. He says he loves my voice, and as I watched it again, I realized that my voice has subtly changed over the years, and sounded a bit more like my higher self. Reflecting on my life and the home and community I'm curating, I voiced out loud that I am grateful for being alive. It is the first time in my life that I have felt this. With my QHHT reminding me and recent connections, I now understand why I was spared (11:11 (part 13)).
When I left the hospital, it was pouring but by the time I headed to my first Thanksgiving feast with friends, we were gifted with a beautiful crisp fall day and lovely sunset. Perhaps a portal had been open from a combination of the gratitude for life, baby cuddles and from a message from an ex who had visited mutual friends last week:
"I'm glad we got to talking last week, I was surprised by how I felt during our hug and glad I feel connected to you again. I hope you have a fun Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to seeing you again."
I had all the pieces given to me over the years, either through learnings, or from exes reaching out many months/years later to tell me 'their truths' (the truth shall set you free, supernova, standing taller, and when it rains, it pours). Yet I never sat down to look at the pieces and realize that there was a puzzle that was begging to be solved.
As humans, we all crave connection, yet the fear of being vulnerable limits how deep that could go. Many believe they are connecting by sharing the lovable parts about them. True connection is when we trust the other with the vulnerable parts that we fear will be judged and even deeper the connection, when we can shine a light on the darkness that we are afraid to see ourselves. Perhaps from all the judgments I experienced my entire life, I have learned that judgments come from projections of ourselves that we don't want to see and until we walk in someone else's shoes, we can not truly understand whether we would be any different. Whether it resulted in ghosting, distancing/coldness, or masking it with superfluous and/or inane issues that were deflection tactics to make it appear to be about 'my imperfections', those relationships ended because the other was afraid of the intimacy and vulnerability that they felt comfortable 'falling into'.
Esther Perel says that "when people cheat, they are looking for the lost parts of themselves." I personally think our purpose in life is to discover our authentic selves, of which many relationships, both polyamorous and monogamous, allow people to stay in the confines of 'comfort' rather than having the courage to explore the parts of themselves they avoid. Connections with others provide us the mirror that we cannot see the parts of ourselves.
"Care, when misunderstood, becomes conflated with expectation. A woman's love, her deep care and concern, may feel to him like a subtle pressure to evolve, to rise, to become. He does not yet realize that her care is not a demand but an offering of a gift freely given without strings attached.
For only when we realize that we are already whole can we meet another, not as a savior or a crutch, but as a fellow traveler on this great and mysterious journey.
What he may not realize is that he is not running from the woman or her care, he is running from the vulnerability that true connection demands. In this chase for freedom, a man may pursue other paths, careers, adventures or fleeting relationships, seeking to preserve his sense of autonomy, but these pursuits often fail to provide the liberation that he seeks. For freedom, in its truest sense, is not about escaping bonds but about choosing them willingly. It is about recognizing that connection does not diminish autonomy but enriches it."
~ Alan Watts
