self-love

It occurred to me today that the disconnect with what I have been feeling for practically all my life and ftale has been the disconnect of trying to emulate (or envying) the relationships I see around me (pig in mud (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) when they, in fact, are not the ones I have been manifesting and praying for (a clue I had touched upon in 11:11 (part 5)), much like the lesson from when it rains, it pours and the realization that when they all presented themselves, none were ones I had wanted to return to. I have something more magical, steeped in interdependence, curiosity, new experiences and adventures, and unconditional love - one that creates a nurturing home for growth and strong, kind, loving free-spirited humans and animals. Something I have been blessed to have 'snippets' of what that feeling would be like, down to the blue eyes (bubble of bliss and moments that matter (part 2)).

Ironically, a reiki session on his birthday gave me clues as to synchronicity (part 2) occurring, despite initial hesitations and red flags that would have me running. While not his true 'self' that I knew, the version of his 'self' that he presented was a potent reminder of everything I did not want (it was the "big ol' stubborn problem"), but in this lesson, I had the clarity to see that it was from his own fears, rather than mine, when I was able to show up authentically and in alignment with my 'self', allowing me to see the other side of familiar themes to see the 'truth' in them, enabling me to close the loops and patterns. 

At the same time, a couple of unconscious ones were uncovered whereby my 2-4 year-old self may hold the key to unlocking the next door in my journey (synchronicity (part 2)). While my initial reaction was to fight to be heard and not misunderstood, I soon learned that those in lower vibrations do not want to hear or understand and only want to see what validates their own fears, a lesson the universe allowed me to practice a newfound tool to stay true to my self (stone skipping (part 13)). 

While being misunderstood has been a thorn that has turned into a fly to be shooed away, learning about personality types and how communication is given and/or received was a pivotal tool (stone skipping (part 6), surprising inspiration and taxing time) to removing the thorn. Upon reflection as I'm writing this, the only time I did not feel the need to explain myself was during those 'snippets', and perhaps holds another key to the door. What seemed so 'easy' may be the emotional safe haven he provided that I did not recognize beyond my fears and insecurities at the time (bluebird).

My new tattoo from Bali was a reminder to stay true to my own alignment after synchronicity (part 2). Yet, it would seem to have a deeper meaning after all, and perhaps why it was an immediate thought to place it above the vein (vena amoris) that connects the heart to the ring finger and lines up when placing the hand/wrist next to the heart. It has been a lifelong pattern of taking care, and prioritizing the need/wants, of others (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), including the men in my life. 

A recent session with what's your sign? and 11:11 (part 6) reinforced this next chapter's focus of self-care is self-love, and in so doing, allowing myself to be loved. Rather than looking for people who didn't understand me, or rather didn't want to understand me, as some validation of feeling low and unloved, it is in loving my self and staying true to my vibration (synchronicity (part 2) and stone skipping (part 13)) - recognizing the self-sabotaging behavior, and changing the pattern to gravitate towards those who have the desire and curiosity to understand, and thereby, feeling safe to truly allow love in. The wish...the dream...wasn't for any love, as I have experienced various forms, even some that I had thought I used to 'envy'. 

Yet in that safe haven that I felt in his presence, I realize that somehow I did not feel unloved (or at least, silenced the negative self-talk because I did not feel the desire to have someone who already understood me to understand me) and for those 'snippets', allowed it to align with my soul. The universe had provided me clues all along through him, and yet, only now am I able to 'see'.