surprising inspiration

When I first took the Myers Briggs assessment  over 10 years ago (what's your sign?), I realized that what I considered struggles were primarily a byproduct of me being different than the crowd I rumbled in at the time (taxing time). While they say that your personality type wouldn't significantly change over your lifetime, as it represents the core you, it does get influenced at the time you are completing the assessment and how you may respond to the questions based on current activities and/or stresses.

My first results indicated that I was in the middle of I, erred on the side of N, borderline T and F and closer to the middle of P. In the last few years of my journey of me and letting go of any templates defined by others, whether professional or personal, I decided to redo the assessment with the women who was going through the women's development program I was sponsoring. I seem to have migrated to borderline I and E, extreme N, borderline T and F and extreme P. The extreme N and P may explain the bold move to #changetheratio (emptying my coffers).

My metamorphosis seems to have not gone unnoticed, as some of the messages I received over the holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving ... Thank you for always being your original self and pushing all around you to achieve that!

For some reason, he has entered my thoughts over the weekend in Cancun. Perhaps the beach reminds me of bubble of bliss or perhaps it was a year ago to this day that we reconnected (moments that matter (part 2)). Either way, I am allowing myself to sit in it to see if there was some residual unpacking that I needed to address. 

The following came into my newsfeed, and they are as random as horoscopes that are more entertaining than spiritual. 

INTP: Someone will fit all your criteria.

You know what you want, and you’re very sure of it. To you, love is a rational decision as much as it is a feeling. You’ll fall in love when someone checks all your boxes, seems to effortlessly meet your needs, and fits easily into your life. You’re not quick to fall, and that’s because you know what love means to you; only when you meet that person you’ve envisioned will you allow yourself to go all in.

It resonated in a way because a thought I had on the plane back from Cancun was that I was happy not being with the person whom I last saw him as (the truth shall set you free). However, that doesn't diminish the contributions and inspiration he has made in my life (11:11 (part 5)), and for that, I am truly thankful. 

ENTP:  Someone will surprise you.

You do want to fall in love, but your excitement about each prospect never lasts; you are never sure whether you’re jumping into a relationship because the person is new and intriguing or because of actual long-term potential. Eventually, though, someone will match your expansive nature with a ton of depth, forcing you to see the world in new ways all the time. You’ll be shocked to find you’re never bored with this person, and suddenly the feelings will hit like a ton of bricks.

I have always loved surprises so while INTP is practical for an independent woman, the little girl is looking for the magic of a partner to explore the world and learn from. Unconditional love is about partners who demonstrate our autonomy rather than compensate for not having it.

full circle (part 8)

As noted in beach angel, I have been a latch key kid since I was a toddler in Vietnam. It teaches one to be responsible at a very young age, and in my case, unusually young, coupled with having to also look out for my younger brother (less than a year younger - full circle (part 6)). It is a lot to put on a child who is just sprouting her own wings.

In many ways, it was a lonely endeavor, and took away a lot of the innocence and frivolity of childhood. Sometimes, I think this is why the child-like behaviors come out in me as an adult, trying to capture viewing the world through the eyes of a child. I still believe in miracles...I love surprises in every day life. I also still have remnants of that child who always asks 'why?'.

In trying to face the fear of 'unwantedness', I wonder if one of the two memories I have pre-fifth grade (moments that matter (part 1)) somehow contribute to my 'madness'. Soon after my sister was born (I had to be pre-kindergarten age, as my sister was still a baby so my mother would take her to Noah's Ark, the daycare center that my mother worked at the time), I was picked up by a police officer who had noticed me wandering the streets alone. It was a very small town so my uttering of Noah's Ark was enough for him to take me to my mother. 

Luckily, it was a different time so my mother got off with a warning rather than having social services take away her children. Needless to say, I did not get off lightly for having left my younger brother at home alone. I do not know what caused me to wander, but I am sure it was a cry for help.

* * * * *

Being immigrants, my parents had to work very hard at low paying jobs. My mother's certification as a teacher was not sufficient in America and she ended up having to go back to school. As a military brat, my father was limited to utilizing his mechanical skills. My mother's night school meant that much of my child rearing days were with my father.

However, because of some extra-curricular activities, I was not able to take the bus home one day. In the days before cell phones, my father forgot to pick me up from school, and everyone, including the janitors had left. It was nightfall by the time my father remembered, most likely because he had gone home after working overtime to make extra cash, and realized I was not there. I stared at the empty parking lot for hours, sitting on the sidewalk, unsure what to do and where to go.

* * * * *

Perhaps these events contribute to my childhood demons of abandonment. David Bowie spent much of his life facing his fears of insanity, as it afflicted many of his family members. He created different personas and music in hopes of eluding his fears. In addressing this theme in his music, he inherently faced it head on. He used his personas to share the pain, as witnessed in Rock 'n' Roll Suicide, where Bowie consoles Ziggy, and David Jones (his birth name) consoles Bowie..."I'll take my share / I'll help you with the pain".

After decades of drug abuse, sex addiction and many personas, he eventually emerged emotionally healthier. While I like to believe I am authentic me, the reality is that over the years, I have masked my inner pains and heartaches by pushing the little girl aside. While some friends know bits of pieces of these stories, I joke about them and brush them off as no big deal, but those moments shaped me in some form or fashion. Inherently, I have created personas with the relatively politically correct, conservative executive; talk a good game virgin (aka Bambi); curiosity killed the cat busy body; brash independent bitch; multi-orgasmic slut (aka Minx); lost, lonely little girl; analysis paraplegic; and many other iterations.

In this year of ME, I am reminding myself of their origins and better understanding their different needs and attributes. It also explains why in certain situations, part of my life, like work, has been roots of unhappiness for years, as my persona there, while immensely successful, is not who I choose or want to be (see stone skipping (part 4)). I communicated to him last December that I was no longer that 13-year old girl, but the reality is...I am. Her childhood adversity and her achievements derived from such adversity is part of me. I can no longer push her away and deny her.

My self is determined by choosing who I am and who I will become. I am upping my ziggy to choose the parts of those personas that is the authentic me, one who is not afraid of being alone, and can find happiness within her own skin and/or in the simple things of every day life.

color the rainbow

Today marks the 30th anniversary of my local nail salon, JT Nails. On their long wall is a slew of photos and holiday cards of clients throughout the decades. Many of them include customers who have frequented the establishment since their first year.

In a city of rising housing and retail spaces, they have seemed to stay in the same spot all these years. Last weekend while I was in getting a mani/pedi, one of their 'lifelong' clients came in. From my eavesdropping (there are also some benefits to understanding the language of the ladies from the establishment), she recently had to move to the East Bay, which is approximately 45 minutes away on a good day. 

However, her husband drove her into the city just so that she could get a $15 manicure. She knew all the ladies and the status of their respective children, and vice versa. The ladies all live down in South Bay and drive in almost daily for the last few decades, with hopes of putting their children through school to have a better future than them. There were similar interactions with others from different walks of life in the salon at the time, including me. In a way, it was an odd extended family while we had a shared common denominator of coloring our digits.

The owner at times relays to me stories of some of the other clientele that are in the salon while I am there or history of the neighborhood. Happy anniversary to wonderful group of hard working ladies!

indigo-glow

Perhaps channeling my infatuation with George Michael at the time, I had wanted to bravely try out some outlandish color, which at the time seemed to be a blonde Asian when Kathy Jeung appeared on screen (tonight). Similar to my desire to live overseas for a while, there was always some excuse that I latched onto. In this case, my personality seemed to already stand out (stone skipping (part 6) and taxing time) without my drawing further attention to any physical appearances.

Some may have thought that it was a mid-life crisis, but as with many things I have an inkling to do (e.g., belly ring, tats, boudoir pics, etc.), I do not generally spend much time mulling over what others may think. As I started to be surrounded by software engineers,  it reminded me how I have always envied those who did not have to worry about appearances in their work life (e.g., piercings, tats, clothes, nail color, makeup, etc.) and could just experiment and be their authentic self. 

So as soon as I thought about changing paths, it was one of the first thoughts in my head, to finally be me and explore. My stylist is visually stimulated so she plays with different colors on her hair all the time. Each time I visited her, we would discuss my wont for unicorn hair. The furthest I had dared was rose gold. We had this appointment on the calendar since June.

My first day with my 'cohort house' as we went around the group to introduce ourselves and state what we hoped to get out of the next 12 weeks, I emphatically stated that unicorn hair was my goal. My advisor had hot pink on the tips of her hair. As the days ticked by, my excitement was not deterred by those who were probably frightened that I was actually going to have the full rainbow coalition on my head.

As with every trip to the stylist, I did not have a specific color or style in mind although I did save inspiration pictures on Instagram and Pinterest to show her. With that, I left it in the creative juices of my stylist. We should have opened up a bottle of wine, but 6 hours later, I left with cobalt, purple, electric blue, aquamarine tints throughout my hair. Some were surprised that unicorn hair could be classy, and as one friend noted, this was the darkest she had seen my hair since my arrival in Silicon Valley.

The best part is that in different angles of the light, the colors change, similar to the wings of a dragonfly.