With the hopes that herbal remedy would help find my inner child (face of the girl (part 3)), I was beginning to think it either was not going to help or perhaps there was no more residual blockages. With mixed feelings of relief and surprise, I discovered while processing a lucid dream during a session this weekend that somehow I either gravitated or subconsciously created relationships where I was hidden.
As an extension of the learning in the truth shall set you free, one of the things that bothered me about our last interaction was somehow knowing that he was avoiding meeting my friends. His time in my 'hood' have been limited in days and frequency when I did not have pre-scheduled plans that I would invite him along when in town, but in all the years, I have been in his 'hood' and had never been introduced to anyone or had interactions even on social media (11:11 (part 4)).
While I have been in relationships in the past where it made sense to keep them 'secret,' I had never really consciously thought that I, myself, was hidden. I had met family members and friends, including going on vacation with my partner and his best friend. Early in relationships, I enjoy the privacy of letting relationships build organically without the social pressures of the typical relationship escalator with outside parties constantly asking about status of relationships where the only parties that should be concerned are the parties themselves.
However, this pattern may have originated in childhood. Despite being the oldest, my parents, primarily my mother, would minimize my accomplishments, often taking the opportunity to boast about my siblings' achievements. When my parents' friends would ask them where I was going to college, they used to state some random college in NYC, until one of their friends educated them that New York University and Columbia University were top universities in the country, as well as the world. As noted in code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and a minority of minorities, it was easy for my parents to be proud of children who followed the path that they wanted rather than being what they viewed as 'rebellious' so my achievements and my life were 'hidden' as some family shame.
During my periods of working on 'getting comfortable in my skin' (reclaiming the cunt (part 2) and unanswered prayers), I hid my body behind clothes that didn't fully fit. As noted in at your service, the girl with the dragon tattoo and trifecta, I had/have a tendency to prefer anonymity or be behind the scenes. In some cases, it afforded me the opportunity to be free in my activities without societal judgments or pressures, similar to being private with my dates. It is a bit of dichotomy as I am an open book when discussing things, but in trying to protect my dates from pre-conceived judgments of others, I usually would talk about them by nicknames rather than actual names so that people do not readily connect them if and when they do meet.
In the lucid dream, 'he' made it very clear that he is proud of us and wanted to be out but was only 'respecting' what he thought was my wishes to be 'hidden'. As part of our pact to be honest, I recently communicated to the man from the truth shall set you free and absolution that I felt 'off' about something. He suggested that we should change things up for a bit. Of course my response would be why I would refuse to do something that is fun...however, because our lives are busy, the times that we have been able to connect have been late at night. In so doing, we are inherently keeping things private and in that way, I can see how my behavior may be perceived as wanting to be 'hidden' even when the other party suggests otherwise. There is a balance between privacy, 'alone time together' and perceptions/behaviors that I may be enabling despite intentions. This would be a template I need to consciously decouple.
It would seem as if the inner child wants to be found and SEEN.
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