moments that matter (part 3)

Lately I have discovered something I am passionate about...helping others (to be better versions of themselves according to them and/or to realize their dreams and find their happiness). It probably was an 'aha' moment from stone skipping (part 2) when I realized how a supportive and safe environment to challenge, fail and learn can build confidence in oneself, and that a little confidence can grow into something much bigger and ultimately, drive us to chase our dreams.

I spent my 20s disappearing for a while to work on my self and embrace my insecurities, much of which was developed from my mother (unanswered prayers and full circle (part 3)) and the racism from a small town in Texas (moments that matter (part 1)). I truly went off the grid from family and many friends. This also included culling toxic and negative friendships. During that time, I also had the blessing of an unexpected mentor at work.

When I recently mentioned this to him as a step towards finding my purpose, he had suggested I think about a mentor in my young life that had a great impact on me. He mentioned his mentor, who may have been socially awkward but challenged people to find their own solutions to problems. I realize that I take a bit of that approach in my guidance of my team. For those who love to learn, they get great satisfaction from this approach, especially when failures are not viewed as completely negative. For those who don't, this strategy is very frustrating for them as they do not like the lack of clear directions and possible failure.

My mentor was known to be a bit quirky back in the day. He was a practicing Catholic and married to a lovely Italian Catholic woman. They had a large brood - six kids. He never drank or curse but definitely had a temper. In my rebellion and trying to stand out in a patriarchal industry, I was the young, rebellious, foul-mouth petite Asian woman. 

I worked on a very small engagement with him. His interaction with me was limited to a few deliverables and days. Yet at the end of the engagement, he offered me an opportunity that more experienced colleagues would have wanted. At first, I thought it was a joke until my manager had giggled and said he thought it was a genuine offer. Clearly, my mentor saw something in me that I did not believe myself.

He also opened up his home to an isolated soul. I could not afford to go home for holidays so he would invite me to experience Italian Catholic family Christmas dinners (Feast of the Seven Fishes or Festa Dei Sette Pesci). Even when we had significant work functions where I may not have had appropriate clothing, he would offer to purchase a nice dress for me as he thought it was important for me to attend. I used to think that he 'dumped' things on me because I was a hard worker but in looking back, those activities were all thoughtful, either for me to get exposure to the work or the people involved for future purposes.

When I gave notice, he was offended that I had not previously communicated my unhappiness to him. He was supportive but assertive in trying to get me to see the bigger picture, ultimately resulting in the firm paying for my MBA. I lost touch with him when I transferred to another function. However, I didn't realize that he kept abreast of my career and had stepped in behind the scenes when he felt necessarily. It only occurred to me over a decade later when a leader had commented that he spoke to my mentor about a potential issue (to err is human, to forgive, divine) to consult with him on how to resolve it. I did not realize that the rest of leadership had known who my mentor was/is. 

He had once expressed to someone that he was disappointed that I had not turned to him more often in times of need. I never like to use people, especially since he had progressed to leadership over the years, and I no longer had any reason to interact with him at work. However, it took me a bit of time to realize that when you're a mentor, helping mentees is a blessing and part of one's legacy. He also viewed me as family, and it would have given him joy to continue to be part of my life.

He retired last year and I flew over five hours to attend his retirement party. His children are all grown up and married with children. His wife has a heart of gold, and when he went through a period of deciding whether to stay until retirement age or to quit given the struggles with firm politics, she commiserated with me and was supportive of his happiness regardless of the financial impacts to the family.

He believed in me when I needed it most. I have thanked him before but no amount of words could truly express my undying gratitude for the ripples he put in my life, personally and professionally. He is one of the reasons I PAY IT FORWARD.