me love you long time (part 7)

I recently heard the following that struck me in its simplicity in meaning yet complexity in execution:

I don't want you to give up your life. I just want you in mine.

I have always had a view that relationships that usually endure the test of time are those where individuals do not rely on the other for their happiness but oftentimes complement each other in their compatibility, respect and love for each other. Seems like a mouthful but having been in Vietnam for less than a year, the number of failed relationships (whether on paper or not) seem disproportionately high (see me love you long time (part 6) and china anniversary).

Before I left for the States for the holidays, I got into a conversation with a number of young staff. They were concerned that at the ages of 21-22, they were not married or had a boyfriend. After I gave them my perspective of learning more about themselves and what they want in life including exploring a number of relationships, the only male with us chimed in that it is not possible in Vietnam since it is the woman's fault that the culture is the way it is, given their propensity to want to find men to take care of them at any and all costs to their own self-respect. Interesting view to shift the blame as I think the phenomenom is due to both genders using the other for their own purposes (e.g., sugar daddy vs. trophy wife). No matter how it is spun, in the end, it boils down to the same formula with both sides at fault and wanting to shift the blame to the other party.

It reminds me of a relationship that my friend told me about one of her friends. The young lady dated her husband for about five years before marrying him less than a year ago. It does not seem as if he's changed or want to change since she started dating him, but for some reason, she thought that by marrying him, he would give up his addiction of gambling on cockfights so that they could save money to start a family. He blatantly told her that if he had to choose her or the cockfights, the cockfights would win hands down. However, his grandmother put up with it with his grandfather and his mother with his father so he could not see why she could not be like them. On the other hand, because either he was a very good liar and hid this from her or she somehow thought the ring on the finger would give her license to try to change him, any marriage stemming from either was doomed to fail. However, she is at a critical juncture in which she has to determine what to do. While they have been separated, she has made the rounds of fortune tellers with the hopes that they can tell her what to do. She is concerned that if she divorced him at the age of 25, nobody else would want her and she would be forever single. Seems like another selfish reason and two wrongs do not make a right.

It occurs to me that if people started relationships for more selfless reasons - basic love, trust and respect for each other, including themselves, there is a solid foundation to build on. However, many of both genders have a constant wont to change people into some theoretical 'perfect' person. People should want to change to become a better person on their own, lest they build up resentment or the change is temporary. Because I generally have a view about anything and everything or will point out double standards in people's behaviors, I have been accused of wanting to change people, which can't be further from the truth. It takes too much effort and is not my responsibility to do so. As I noted in what's your sign?, I have the tendency to observe how people treat strangers in evaluating the true nature of a person and have no desire for games, of which changing someone falls into that category. Besides, it takes just as much effort to put up a toilet seat as it does to put it down. Very trivial in the big scheme of things, don't you think?